The following is the opening paragraph from what passes as “news” in Bangor, Maine, at least according to the Bangor Daily News. The headline reads : Four teens caught drinking at UMaine…here’s the opening paragraph: “Residence staff at York Hall called University of Maine police late Sunday to report underage drinking. That led to four people, including one juvenile, being charged, university spokesman Joe Carr said Monday.” No shit?! Teens drinking at college? Stop the frakkin’ presses! Dumbasses. Bangor is a town of about 32,000 people and all the BDN could come up with is young people drinking at college? Well, slap me down and call me Shorty! Legalities aside, this is like saying “Cheech and Chong smoke pot!” My point is this – a dumbass staff member called the law because these kids were drinking. They broke the law and some kind of UMaine regulation, I’m sure, so some sort of punishment has to be meted out. I’m fine with that. But the dumbasses at the newspaper chose to present this as a “news” story and name the offending teens in the story. What the hell is wrong with those dumbasses at the BDN ? A) I have real news for the weenies at the paper. Listen carefully. Teens sometimes drink beer and liquor while they are at college! B) You dipsticks at the Bangor Daily News are dumbasses for printing the names of these young people for breaking a relatively minor law. If they were drinking and driving, then plaster their names all over the place! If they were being disruptive to their fellow students in the dorm, then, I don’t know, maybe knock on the door and tell them to shut the frak up! If alocohol was discovered at that point, confiscate it and report the students to the proper University officials and their parents, but for cryin’ out loud, don’t call the cops unless some or all of the above mentioned solutions have been employed. Please note that I am going only by the information in the newspaper article which mentions nothing of the methods I listed as possible problem solvers. I’m not raggin’ on the staff at UMaine, they did what they thought was the right thing. With the info I have at my fingertips, I think it was stupid. But the real dumbasses in this incident are the knotheads at the BDN for printing this story in the first place and putting the kids names in the paper over such a stupid stunt. Having the cops called on the students certainly scared the hell out of them, but I think a talk with the Dean (or whoever) and their parents, you know the people who pay the tuition, would have been the more sensible thing to do in this case. I know that my Dad would have put the fear of God in me if I pulled this little trick and it would not have happened again. I know that the cops would not have beat my ass (metaphorically speaking), but Dad would have. Talk about being scared straight. A semester on a limited allowance and no car would seem like being banished to New Jersey or some other foreign place.
A word to the students in this mess: Don’t be drinking on school property if you are not of age. That’s a dumbass thing to do. Or if you do, don’t get caught. I was just kidding on that one.
A word to the dorm staff in this mess: Lighten up, Francis.
A word to the Bangor Daily News: Report some real news. Dumbasses.