There two kinds of dumbasses. Just your garden variety dumbass, and a dumbass with too much time on his hands. The subject of our story today falls into the “dumbass with too much time on his hands” category. His name is Colin Furze. What Colin does that makes him a dumbass with too much time on his hands is that he builds hot rod mobility scooters! And we thought the hot rod riding lawnmower guy was a dumbass.
By trade, Colin Furze is a plumber (insert jokes about turds, toilets and flushing here), a seemingly ordinary dumbass. But at night after work, by the light of the full moon, Furze transforms into a dumbass with too much time on his hands – kind of a dumbass Jekyll and Hyde. (OK, I made up the part about the full moon) Furze takes an ordinary Hover Round like Grandma and the two little old ladies at the Grand Canyon in the TV commercial use to get around, and turns them into hot rods! This dumbass has gone over 60 miles per hour on one of these things and has lived to tell about it. He wants to up the ante to the big seven-O, 70 mph in the near future. There’s nothing like a dumbass with a death wish.
Now, being of the inquisitive sort and a dumbass to boot, I have come to the conclusion that Furze is actually up to no good! It is my considered opinion that Furze is the mastermind behind a plan to take over America. Harsh words, I know, but please hear me out. Furze’s real plan is to distribute one of these hot rod Hover Rounds to every old fart in the United States! Just think of the chaos that would ensue! Why, there could even be the old people’s equivalent of the Hell’s Angels! Yes! This nation could very soon be facing an epidemic of old people doing God knows what in these souped up mobility scooters! Are we really ready for the Nightmares from the Nursing Home??!! There’s nothing in common sense nor the Constitution that would prevent us from eradicating this Mobility Menace from our midst! These Gear Grinding Grandparents have no place in civil society. As for their leader, Mr. Furze, the gallows are too good for him! His punishment should be no less than a lifetime banishment to France, where the women are hard to tell from the men and the sheep are nervous!
Rally behind this cause, America before it’s too late! Or meet me at the Augusta Raceway this Friday at 8PM for our first ever Hot Rod Hover Round Nationals, sponsored by Depends! Admission is $20 for adults, $15 for teens and kids under 12 get in free! Hey, a guy’s gotta make a buck somehow.
**Photo by Geoff Robinson @ telegraph.co.uk