|I’m Me the Dumbass|
I have never been to Florida, but I know that a few billion (it seems like a few billion to native Floridians, I’m sure) snowbirds make the Sunshine State their home during the winter months rather than face the cold, cruel winters of their native countries – like Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont. well, the good people of Florida, natives and snowbirds alike, face an ever-increasing number of dumbasses calling Florida home. Armies of dumbasses are invading Florida at an alarming rate these days, putting the citizenry of the state in grave danger. Fortunately for the people of Florida, these invaders are dumbasses not mercenaries of a foreign country hostile to the United States.
Prime example: Joseph Eric Williams. Starting back in Augusta, Joey began a series of robberies at AT&T stores in Broward County, FLA. That’s what all the cool people call Florida, FLA. They call it FLA because they’re cool and stupid. The dumbasses can’t spell F-L-O-R-I-D-A, if you spotted them the F,L,O,R and I. But, I digress. Anyway, Joey knocked over several AT&T retail stores in Broward County and he did so successfully for a few months. He’d run into the stores grab a few iPhones worth about $600 each, and high tail it out of the store like somebody stuck a rocket up his ass. He got away with it for a while until a conscientious citizen saw a CrimeStoppers ad or something and recognized Joey as the culprit behind these snatch and grab robberies. This citizen became especially conscientious when he found out that CrimeStoppers was offering a $1000 reward to anyone who snitched Joey out. The conscientious citizen saw his civic duty (and a thousand bucks) and he did it. He told police that Joey would be easy to find because Joey lived just down the street from the conscientious citizen and that Joey had a distinguishing tattoo that said “I’m Me”. On his forehead! That would certainly narrow down the suspects in the Dumbass Pool.
Long story short, Joey got busted and he now sits in the Broward County Crossbar Hilton awaiting trial, sentencing and a date with Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams (no relation) at the Florida Department of Corrections. Dumbass.