My Advice to a Dumbass

Busted

They just don’t make car thieves like they used to. In the good old days of car stealing, a respectable car thief would just use a Slim Jim (the tool, not he sausage) to quickly unlock the car doors and go on with his thievin’. But today’s car thieves rely on others to help them rip off a set of wheels. Take this dumbass for instance.

Jacory Phillips, our Dumbass of the Day, stole a new Nissan from the local Nissan dealer in Albany, Georgia. However, it just wasn’t Jacory’s day for stealing a car. After the theft, Phillips left the dealership by driving through a plate glass window and in a matter of a few minutes, he ran out of gas. What a dumbass. Out of gas, Jacory went to a level of dumbassery that precious few have achieved. He started begging passersby at a local convenience store for gas money! By this time, a tipster at the store had called police regarding Jacory’s panhandling and our dumbass was arrested.

Here’s a car thievin’ tip for any future dumbasses out there – there are reasons that car dealerships only keep a few gallons of gas in the cars they have on their lot. When the damn thing runs out of gas, leave where it happened and leave the scene! Dumbass. Begging for gas money after you have committed a felony is not a good idea.

In today’s tough economy, even car thieves need career counseling, and I am here to help. That’s just the way I roll. Here are a few GTA tips for you dumbasses: Lesson 1) Do not steal from a dealership, go to a neighborhood that has some nice cars and pick one out. The worst that could happen is that the car owner blows your shit away with a double barrel 12 gauge shotgun. That’s a chance you take. Lesson 2) If you make it past Lesson 1, consider yourself lucky that you ain’t pushin’ up Dumbass  Daisies. Your luck as a thief won’t last forever. And I hear that the lawmen in Georgia don’t like fucking dumbass car thieves. Take from that what you want to. Lesson 3) If, by the Grace of God and good old fashion luck, you make this far, your luck and God’s patience with you, have run out. At this point, you can change your life or you are expendable. Since you are a dumbass, I think I know the answer. You’ll end up a fucking dead dumbass and your Mama will be without a son, and that’s very sad for your Mama. Straighten up your life. You don’t have to be a dumbass for eternity. Your Mama and God are rooting for you. Dumbass.

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