On our excursion into DumbassLand today, we go to the Upper Midwest, Wisconsin to be exact. Now I love Wisconsin. It’s a beautiful state populated by some fine people. I am even a Green Bay Packer fan and have been for about fifty years, so what I am about to write brings me no joy. Laughter, yes. Joy, not so much. However, as your Fearless Leader and Professional Dumbass Detector, I am obligated by the sacred oath I took to seek out dumbasses in every corner of the Earth and bring them to your attention. My affection and emotional invovlement with these dumbasses be damned.
In River Falls, Wisconsin, a dumbass who works for a bakery was a bit angry by some birds who somehow found their way in. You know, kinda like going to the garden department in WalMart. There always little birds in there. But, I digress. These birds got into this bakery and our dumbass, let’s call him Dumbass Baker (his name is not in the article I am referring to), and Dumbass Baker just happened to have a shotgun handy (the people of Wisconsin are very fond of guns. Maybe that’s why outside of Milwaukee, crime is basically nonexistant). So Dumbass Baker has a 12 gauge and some bird shot shells and starts blasting the little birds while he’s workin in the bakery! Not only does Dumbass Baker send the birds to their Birdly Reward, he shot one of his co-workers! As one who has been shot in the face by 12 gauge bird shot, it doesn’t feel so good. Don’t ask. It’s a long story about dove hunting and some drunk Mexicans. Dumbass Baker guy turns out to be one of the Managers. Now that’s what I call leadership. Dumbas Leadership, but nontheless, leadership. Dumbass Baker saw a problem and he solved it in an appropriate dumbass manner. The Police, however, saw it as a felony. Dumbass Baker was charged with “injury by negligent handling of a dangerous weapon”, police said. Geez, ya think? Now our Dumbass Baker is going to learn a different meaning of “cinnamon buns” while he’s in the jailhouse. Dumbass.