When it’s a slow Dumbass News Day, I can always fall back on certain places where dumbasses thrive, must to the chagrin of local residents. In order, my go-to for a dumbass places are California (beautiful state overrun by dumbasses), France (because they are France) and Florida (a great place with too many snow-dumbasses).
Today, I chose France as our Destination for Dumbasses because I hate to pick on Florida, it’s not Floridians’ fault for the influx of snow-dumbasses. I don’t mind picking on California, but if I keep it up for too long each of the 36 million people who live there will be in therapy all at the same time, and they’ve got enough problems without continually pointing out the dumbasses in their midst, even though it would be a lot of fun. I pick on France because those pussies deserve every pot shot thrown their way just because they are French. And they are pussies. And dumbasses. All. Of. Them.
Gus’ Duck Gets Daffy***
In some town in France whose name is way too long type over and over, but translates to We are pussies. All. Of. Us., is a guy who owns a duck farm. Being a duck farmer alone qualifies this imbecile as a dumbass, but there is more to his story that puts him in a dumbass class of one. He has a dumbass name too. Michel. I know it translates to Michael, but it also translates to I am a pussy, so I am gonna call the guy Gus. At least “Gus” doesn’t sound like a girls name. But I digress. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Gus is a duck farming dumbass. He has 150 ducks on his farm and he says it’s quite a chore to keep them all from getting worms. I suspect that is true. So, to keep his ducks wormless, Gus called in a “specialist” for advice on how to keep 150 ducks from getting worms. The “specialist” said that Gus should feed them pot. Yes pot. Marijuana. Weed. Chronic. Latin lettuce. Meskin Marlboros. It takes a lot of weed to keep 150 ducks from getting worms and Gus was up to the task of making sure there was plenty of the loco weed on hand to “de-worm” his ducks. As a matter of fact, the local gendarme, which is French for “we are the police, but we are pussies, too”, got wind (pun intended) of Gus’ magic duck de-wormer and paid him an official visit.
On his duck farm the cops found twelve pot plants and eleven pounds of bagged pot. The police were impressed by Gus’ dedication to de-worming his ducks, but not so much by his stash, to which Gus readily admitted he had smoked some of the marijuana. No shit? Dumbass. When the matter finally went to court, Gus’ lawyer told the judge, “This is for real, not one (duck) has worms and they’re all in excellent health,” said Jean Piot, Gus’ lawyer. Ya think? I told you that every damn Frenchman alive is a dumbass! This gets better.
A police representative said the incident marked “the first time we’ve heard of something like this.” Good Gawd!!! Frakkin’ dumbass!!!!! What do you expect from a country that eats duck like Americans eat McDonalds, but will not ever Southern fry a good yardbird ( that’s a chicken for the uninitiated) and serve it with smashed taters and cream gravy? This incident further proves that France is a lost cause. If the Moose Limbs don’t get ’em, the Dumbass will. Vive la France! Les dumbasses.