Island of the Dumbass Vampires

Sucker

Galveston Island. Jewel of the Texas Gulf Coast. The Sinking Sandbar. What a great place.Beautiful beaches, family fun and a very colorful history. Oh yeah, and vampires. Dumbass vampires. Let me splain.

Lyle Bensely, the self-described vampire, broke into a woman’s apartment, hissed and groaned at her while she was in her bedroom, all the while biting and hitting her on the head. He then yanked the poor woman out of her room where she was able to free herself and make good her escape. The cops were called and Lyle was hauled off to the Galveston County Crossbar Hilton.

At this point, Lyle just looks like a dumbass criminal. However, my opinion of Lyle quickly went from dumbass crook to batshit crazy lunatic (pun intended). While in custody the suspect told the cops that he was simply trying to “feed” when he attacked the victim. Then, Lyle said something that, in my mind, put him over the dumbass edge into the fucking whacked out idiot category. He told the po-lees that he was 500 a year old vampire. (insert cookoo sound here) Lyle also told the fuzz to restrain him because he didn’t want to kill them.

Lyle, Lyle, Lyle Lyle, Lyle. Put down the crack pipe and back away slowly, son. Galveston is home to some free spirited people, i.e., dumbasses, but ole Lyle here is in need of some serious mental health help. And a good dentist. And garlic. And a wooden stake through the heart. As you well know, I am against putting a wooden stake through someone’s heart unless it is absolutely necessary to the plot. In Lyle’s case, plot meet necessary. Think about it. Do we really need Lyle to make babies someday? Hell. No! Some of you may think that I am being a bit harsh on Lyle, but let me ask you this. Would you like your daughter to bring him home to eat meet the family? Enough said.

I am sure that Lyle will be a big hit in prison with his propensity for sucking on things. Hell, he’ll probably be voted most likely to suck seed, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Have fun Lyle! You deserve it.

Dumbass.

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