|Revenge: Cooking Gazebos|
You know when you’re watching TV and a car commercial comes on showing a guy driving like a bat out of hell on a 10 foot wide dirt road on the side of a mountain with a 3000 foot vertical drop where the tiniest of mistake could send him to the Big Stunt Show in the Sky? Sometime during the ad a printed disclaimer saying “Do Not Try This at Home” appears onscreen. My first thought is always “No shit Sherlock”. Having driven on such roads high in the Rockies, I can assure you that hauling ass on them is not the first thing that pops into my dumbass mind.
On a similar note, stuffing live lobsters into my pants is not high on my bucket list. But, there’s a guy in Mississippi who seems to like to do just such a thing. Let me splain.
Nathan Hardy of D’Iberville, Mississippi was doing his Christmas dinner shoplifting early this year at a local Winn Dixie when he did exactly that. I now live in Maine and it’s my personal observation that lobsters have these large things at the end of their front “arms” called claws. It’s also true that lobster claws are very powerful. Powerful to the point that they could remove a finger from your hand. This brings to mind the fact that Nathan stuffed these live lobsters in his pants! As a man, one of the last things I want in my pants (near my gazebos) is a live lobster. Keys? Yes. Money. No problemo. Something that could cut off my gazebos like a hot Rachel Ray steak knife through butter? Not so much.
Our dumbass friend Nathan went even further in his little shoplifting spree. He also stuffed two bags of shrimp and a pork loin in his waist band! Where he got all that room to stuff a Christmas Feast in his shorts, I don’t know, but I can only assume that there must not be much in the way of a package to prevent him from doing so. And that’s all I’ll say about that. One thing for sure though is that it took a whole lotta dumbass to to attempt such a stunt.
Furthermore, Nathan tried to outrun the cops with all this food, including the live lobsters, crammed into his frakkin’ pants! What if a trail of food led the police to this dipshit? I can just hear the persuing officer when he discovers the food trail.
Cop: “Hey, McFinkelstein! I have a lead! Look at this..pork loin (a few steps later)…shrimp…one live lobster…another live lobster with a pair of gazebos in his claw…” Upon further investigation, the fuzz find Nathan bleeding from the groin area, gazebo-less. The cop continues, “We’ve got him, Clancy! And be sure to put those gazebos in an evidence bag! His bag is useless.”
To summarize, Nathan is not only a thief, but he is a felon too, who somehow escaped this tomfoolery with his gazebos. He won’t need them where he’s going though. Maybe he should have stuffed the pork loin up his ass as a preview to what’s gonna happen once he arrives in prison. A live lobster up his ass would have made his new “friend” quite angry during a moment of prison bitch intimacy.