|Tools of a Dumbass Gone Wrong|
DISCLAIMER: This article deals with adult material and may not be suitable for work and is CERTAINLY NOT suitable for children. Reader discretion is advised. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED FOR THE ONLY AND LAST TIME! If it offends you, I don’t give a shit and my ass is readily available for you to kiss.
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde
On Wednesday, October 12, 2011 I extolled the virtues of the Constitution of the United States, especially the part about “life, Liberty, the pursuit of happiness and the God-Given right to be a Dumbass“.. OK, the dumbass part ain’t the Constitution, but that’s essentially what “life, Liberty” etc. means. I also wrote about the Constitutionally guaranteed right to be the best Dumbass this country has ever seen, excluding of course President Obama until January 20, 2013. I remind you of these things in order to make a very relevant point, so let me splain.
In the 13 months that I’ve been writing this blog, I have never seen a Dumbass of this magnitude. And he’s a Dirty Old Man (DOM) as well. And like Fred G. Sanford once said when Aunt Esther called him a dirty old man, “Yeah and I’m gonna be one til I’m a dead old man”. You just can’t argue with logic like that. Sheer brilliance.
Here’s the back story: An 81 year old man went around an apartment complex in Florida knocking on residents’ doors. OK, no big deal. He was also carrying a Doctor’s Bag. Still, no biggie. Here’s the kicker: he pretended to be a doctor (which is a big deal) and was going from door to door offering free breast exams! Kicker Number 2: at least two women went along with this scam! The DOM made his way into their homes under the guise of representing a local hospital offering free breast exams for local women. Not only did the DOM feel up these chicks’ knockers, he also put an un-gloved finger in their groceries! If you know what I mean and I think you do. You and I are in agreement that sexually molesting women is a very serious crime and I mean in no way to trivialize it, so let’s just focus on the dumbassery in the story, not the criminal aspect of it (except for the prison bitch part).
Here’s the deal: This DOM used nothing but his imagination, guile, sexual perversion, dumbassery and the Constitutional right to be a Dumbass to become the best, or in this case, the most despicable dumbass he could be. Now it’s this DOM’s fate is to become one of the oldest prison bitches in the US Penal System. Examine this, bitch! I feel confident in saying that where this vile, vile man is going, latex gloves and rubbers are not readily available for when Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams lays the salami him. Also the only bag the DOM will see in the slammer is Leon’s nut sack smashing into his chin during those intimate moments they’ll share together.
As far as the women in this story, criminality aside, what the fuck were they thinking? Didn’t they ever hear of the old saying about not letting strangers into your home? Yet these bimbos readily volunteered to let the asshole in and let him feel their hammers! It was only when the DOM went for the “vaginal exam” did they become suspicious. I mean Holy shit(!), a total stranger asking to see your boobs isn’t a red flag? These bitches are way past dumbass, landing somewhere in “If My Brains Were Dynamite I Couldn’t Blow My Nose-ville”. <shakin’ my fucking head>
The various levels of the dumbassery in this story have left even me almost speechless. And I do this Dumbass News gig every day, occasionally coming across a story that seems at the time to be almost un-toppable. This is one of those stories. This little diddy has raised the bar of “excellence” in the art of dumbassery to never-before-seen-or-expected levels. But fear not! Some day, from somewhere on the Big Blue Marble, there’ll be another story that makes us wonder just how far some humans have evolved and whether or not they should be allowed to procreate in furthence of the Dumbass Gene in Human DNA. I know this because the World is full of…
Dumbasses. And tits. And Dirty Old Men. <shakin’ my fucking head>