Jesus Is Stolen from California Yard!

As we enter the Christmas Season here at Dumbass News, we try to focus on positive things about the world around us. And by positive I mean stoopid. But no matter how hard we try, there’s always some dumbass out there to ruin things for us – even during the Holidays. Let me splain.

Begging to be Vandalized

The Splainin’

I have never been much of one to go dumbass crazy on Christmas decorations. I have nothing against those who can and do, it’s just not my cup of tea. I guess I should clarify here what “dumbass crazy” is. I did a series of posts on my now closed down blog, Three States Plus One, about some serious Christmas light displays. And when I say serious, I mean dumbass crazy serious. Take a look at the displays here and here and you’ll see what I mean by “dumbass crazy”. Our family of dumbasses today doesn’t go quite that far in their exuberance for Christmas, but they do toe the line of dumbass crazy.

Somebody Steals Jesus (and will go to Hell for it) 

The Rudd family of Moreno Valley, California woke up one morning to find out that the Christmas decorations in their front yard were AWOL. For you dumbasses in New Jersey that means that they were ripped off. Anyway, the missing decorations were stolen while the Rudds slept with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads just a few feet away inside their home. <—-A little “Night Before Christmas” lingo there. Decorations are stolen every year from yards all over the country, I am sad to say, but there was one thing about this particular set of decorations that caught my eye. The $1600 price tag! Needles to say, the Rudds were heartbroken and all that sappy shit. I would be more than sad, I’d be in a homicidal rage at this point. “They brought tears to my eyes because we put a lot of work and a lot of heart into it,” Sandra Rudd said. Now isn’t that pitiful? Bullshit! Listen up, Lady, you are about to learn something.

Learning a Lesson 

Sandy Baby, I’ll try to be gentle in my chastisement of you and your husband. You people are fucking dumbasses! You might as well have gone ahead and bought a flashing neon sign for your front yard that said “We are Dumbasses, Steal Our Decorations!” You see, Sandy, when someone puts up an extravagant Christmas light/Jesus display in their front yard for all to see, some of those who see it will be thieves!  And there’s one thing about thieves you should know, Sandy. They don’t give a shit whose stuff they steal! Even if it means stealing Jesus. Hell, thieves even steal from each other! Do you see where I am going with this, Sandy? I know, dearest Sandy, that you wanted your kid to have a big time Christmas like you never had as a little girl, but allow me let you in on one more thing before I go. Security. Security is mandatory when one has such a valuable display in her front yard. Security cameras? They’re OK, but I have a couple of sure-fire ways to deter bad guys from committing felonies in your yard. One is a 12 gauge shotgun. It’s very difficult for bad guys to escape Justice when they have a skull full of double aught buckshot. That’s my personal choice because dead bad guys commit no more crimes. And as an added bonus, they don’t make any little future felons either! A two-fer!  The other solution doesn’t involve firearms, which is sad, but it is still very effective and cost conscience. Make a sign that says “This Property Protected By Pit Bull With AIDS…and He Hasn’t Eaten In 5 Days”.

There ya go, Sandy,. That’s my advice to you, so take it or leave it. It’s up to you. One more thing, Sandy. I have a “Jesus” Christmas yard ornament for sale and I heard you need one.

Dumbass.





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