Ya know, this retirement gig ain’t all it’s cracked to be – yet. As a young man I thought by the time I retired, I’d have a few million in the bank doing what I damn well pleased. I was half right. I do whatever the Hell I want to do. Although I must confess that I probably spent a few hundred large having fun over the years, drinking, traveling the country, fishin’, drinking, chasing women, drinking, buying Corvettes for strippers, drinking….you get the picture. Did I mention drinking? All that “wasted” (pun intended) cheese would be nice to have stashed away for a rainy day at this point in my life, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I have had a colorful, if a bit eccentric, life and I offer no apologies for that eccentricity. I am just thankful that we have a loving, merciful and forgiving God.
But, Hell, there are days I’d cut off my gazebos to get back into the work force. I’ve always had a pretty good work ethic when working, but when it was quttin’ time, I hit the door runnin’. Work hard, play harder. Even though I lived life “to the fullest”, I missed maybe five days of work in 20 years, and three of those were for funerals, my Dad’s included. What I’m getting at here is that I knew that feeling a little “measly” the next morning did not preclude me from getting to work on time and going full speed ahead for eight hours. No excuses. Period.
These days, I don’t see that sort of “I have a job to do and I am gonna do it to the best of my abilities every damn day I am there, no matter what.” Not that there aren’t millions of Americans who do exactly that, it’s just that so many of us are looking for an excuse to play hooky from work for the smallest and most dumbass of reasons. Some folks must carry the “Book of Excuses for Missing Work” (prolly downloaded to their iPhone) with them like a preacher totes the Good Book. And believe me, Brother, some of the reasons that a lot of dumbasses come up with are, shall we say, “inventive”.
Hello, Boss? I Can’t Make it in Today Because…
There’s an organization that keeps track of that sort of thing. No, it’s not us here at Dumbass News, it’s a far more obnoxious entity that would steal the blood from a vampire bat given the chance, if it hasn’t already done so. And guess what? We (you & I) pay these dumbasses to do stoopid shit like this. And the employees of this monster are well-paid, compensated with great benefits and a generous number of vacation days and no work holidays. Yet with all those perks, many of these douchebags are some of the laziest bastards known to Mankind, with their noses firmly planted in the pages of the “Book of Excuses for Missing Work” looking for an unused reason to miss a day at work so they can do something really important, like study the sex lives of tse tse flies during the second week of March during the peak of the tse tse fly humping season. But, I digress.
Following you’ll see a list of excuses that people from all over America have come up with to skip work and chase tse tse flies while they (the flies, that is) fly around and have airborne tse tse fly marital relations. This list is an honest to goodness project compiled by the United States Gubmint from information directly from employers from the four corners of this great land.
— My cat had the hiccups.
Me: Tell us about the time your parrot lost his voice. Pussy. (pun intended)
— I thought I won the lottery (but, alas, didn’t).
Me: Yeah, and I thought Jessica Alba wanted to do the Horizontal Meskin Hat Dance with me. (alas, she didn’t) Dipshit.
— I got distracted watching “The Today Show.”
Me: You liein’ sonuvabitch. You got distracted watching lesbian porn. Pervert.
— My roommate got mad at me and cut the cord to my phone charger, so it didn’t charge and my alarm didn’t go off.
Me: Three words, asswipe. Wind.Up.Clock.
— You mean my commute time doesn’t count toward my work hours?
Me: No. And screwing farm animals doesn’t make you a porn star. A degenerate? Yes. Porn star? Not so much. Pencil Penis? (from yesterday’s post) Is that you?
— A fox stole my car keys.
Me: You ought to be friends with the guy in the excuse preceding this one. He likes animals too. Goat Boy.
— My leg got trapped between the subway car and the platform (OK, this one turned out to be true).
Me: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Burp!
— Try the honest approach: I have no intention of getting to work before 9 a.m. (start time was 8 a.m.)
Me: You know what the honest approach will get you? The unemployment approach.
— Sorry I’m late, I had a job interview with another firm.
Me: I hope it went well. Shit for brains.
— I had to take a personal call from the state governor (Again, this one turned out to be true).
Me: Suuuuurrrrreeeee. And I had to take a call from the Pope. Protestant.
***Excuses copied & pasted from Original UPI article. The responses are my own***