|Shit for Brains|
I like to travel. I love seeing the “purple mountains’ majesty” “from sea to shining sea” of this land of ours. God has truly “shed His Grace on thee.”
I do all my running around the USA by car. I like to see stuff, to soak in and appreciate the Natural Wonders surrounding me. Traveling by automobile does have some drawbacks, however. Time spent getting from place to place being one of them. But that’s not really too bad as you can always take in the scenery just outside your car window. Finding a decent place to eat is a little more difficult and coming across a clean toilet is the cruelest Travel demon of all.
When Nature calls, men can, if it’s an emergency, simply pull off to the side of the road, scamper off into the nearby woods and take care of business. Women? Not so much.
When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go
I must admit that when seeing the country by car, there are times when you gotta take a potty break and there’s no toilet in sight. This can present quite a dilemma. While your bowels are doing the Flamenco Dance, do you try to hold on for a little while or do you just pull over and take a healthy dump or perhaps, get ready to shed your nasty ass drawers at the next truck stop? This is not an easy decision to make, although the decision sometimes makes itself, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Melissa Mansfield was faced with such a quandry while traveling one of the busiest highways in the state of Florida. She chose to pull over and leave her calling card right on the side of the Interstate! Things then went from bad to worse for Melissa.
During the Poop Process, Melissa the Doo Doo Dumbass, was spotted doing her thing by, you guessed it (!), a Florida State Trooper! The next phase of the Bad to Worse transition was a bout to take place.
When asked by the Fuzz for ID, the Dumbass Doo Doo Queen had none. Strike two.
Did I mention that she was driving a stolen car also? She was. Strike two and a half.
The piece resistance is that had Melissa waited for another five minutes before taking a shit on the side of the Interstate, she would have come upon a Rest Area with public toilets. As Maxwell Smart would say, “Missed it by that much!”
Our friend Melissa will now spend the next several years of her young life as a resident of State Facilities courtesy of a jury of twelve of her peers (pee pun intended) where she’ll be too pooped to drop the deuce. She’ll will, however, enjoy many hours of broom handle riding with her new friend, Peggy the “O’Cedar Makes My Life Easier” Finkelstein.
In other words, Melissa the Doo Doo Dipshit is about to learn what “squeezing the Charmin” is all about.