Best of Dumbass News – The Sabbath Edition
|Redneck Bottle Rocket|
What is a Redneck? A Redneck is a hard-working harder livin’, God-fearing, take no shit and will kill a sonuvabitch that presents a clear and present danger to him or his family kind of a man. A Redneck is a man who will help his neighbor because it’s the right thing to do, not because some Yankee Liberal dickweed from the Gubmint forced him to do so. Rednecks love music and often have a little band that plays places like the VFW on weekends. He loves Lynyrd Skynyrd, Hank Williams, Jr, Willie and Waylon and George Jones. Regardless of what some guy whose closest encounter with the South is bucket of chicken from the Colonel, not all Rednecks are stoopid. Or dumbasses. The great majority of us are pretty good people. That’s the short version of what a Redneck is. I am a Redneck. I am proud to be a Redneck and anybody that doesn’t like Rednecks can kiss my Redneck ass. Now we can get to today’s story. Provided of course that you didn’t kiss my ass and split the scene. 🙂
However, Some Rednecks ARE Stoopid
There are dumbasses in every segment and ethnicity of the American people. I am sad to say it, but that includes Rednecks. But a Dumbass Redneck is a higher quality of Redneck than any segment of the other Dumbasses in our society. It’s in the Bible, I think. Look under St. Jim Bob, Ch1, Vs1. Rednecks like Mark Wach of Palm City, Florida are the kinds of Rednecks that give the rest of us a bad name. Why?
Mark was, as we Rednecks say, drunk. In his state of intoxication, Mark was having a nice, normal bit of Redneck Fun by blasting away with his firearms. Shooting a gun while drunk is against all that a normal Redneck believes in, therefore Mark is in serious danger of losing his Redneck Card and being forced to un-learn the Top Secret Redneck Handshake. If he can’t un-learn it, then we’ll just kill him. Anyway…Mark was firing off a few rounds on his property when he and his son got into an altercation. The son was all out of whack not simply because Mark was shooting his guns, the son was pissed because Mark was shooting the son’s lawn mower which was in the son’s yard. Where I’m from, we call this Wednesday. As usual, the cops showed up and spoiled the fun. Mark was quick to point out to the fuzz that “this is what Redneck people do.” This is true. But 99% of the time, we did stuff like this before we got bombed. After we got lit up real good, we would move on to much safer Redneck activities. Stuff like playing horse shoes. With the horse shoes still on the horse! Those were mighty good times. Except for the horses.
I do not endorse or condone using a firearm while drunk. That is completely unacceptable at any time. Aside from that minor detail, Mark and his son, I think his name is Bobby Bob, were doing nothing more than having a good old Redneck Hootnanny. However, Mark did some stoopid shit and it gives all Rednecks a bad name.
Here’s some brother to brother, man to man, Redneck to Redneck advice: next time you want to get to’ down, put the weapons away! Play horse shoes. But make sure the horse is cool with it first. Trust me on this one.