Best of “Dumbass News”
Neighbors. You can’t live without ’em and you can’t shoot ’em.
I have been thinking about the virtues and vices of having neighbors over the last week or so. Why? I’ll tell you why.
There’s a lady and her 12 year old son who have lived next door to us for two years. Two years to the day as a matter of fact. They are good neighbors. The lady is very nice, if shy and the boy is a good, respectful kid. My family and I like them a lot. But, today they are moving. It’s kind of sad really.
My wife is a great cook and she’s forever in the kitchen coming up with something delicious for us and our neighbors. For example, last summer we had an outstanding little garden in which we grew a ton of mondo, and I mean mondo, zoo-keeny. Heather, Mrs. Fearless Leader, made several batches of zoo-keeny bread and shared it with many, if not all, of the neighbors that live in our building. The Lady and the Kid Next Door were no exception. In return, the lady next door would, on occasion, do something nice for us in return. just like it should be.
I wish them luck and happiness in their new home. They were good neighbors and we’ll miss them.
Having said all that, there’s a guy in Stuttgart, Germany that has to be The Best Neighbor in the History of Mankind, or for brevity’s sake, TBNITHOM. Even better, let’s just call him TBN for The Best Neighbor.
The Best Neighbor Wants a Little Best Neighbor
The Best Neighbor and his wife, a former Supermodel, were trying like crazy to make a baby. I’m sure the guys reading this are thinking….well, I’d rather not write what that bunch of Dumbass perverts is thinking, but I will tell you guys this: It. Gets. Better. Much. Better!
As Fate would have it, TBN was shooting blanks, if you know what I mean and I think you do, and was unable to father a child. I think it’s safe to say, however, that he must have had a helluva time trying. But, I digress.
It was then that TBN came up with a plan.
Since The Best Neighbor’s Little Swimmers don’t make it to the “end of the pool”, he came up with what he thought was a brilliant idea. He had a neighbor, whom we’ll call “The Guy”, who looked enough like TBN to have been his brother. And The Guy had kids. This means his Little Swimmers were able to finish the race. Or so everyone thought.
This is where The Idea comes into play. TBN’s scheme? Give The Guy $2500 to impregnate TBN’s Hotter than a $2 Pistol Sex Bomb of a Wife! Being a good neighbor willing to donate his sperm for a friend by depositing it in the appropriate manner into Mrs. TBN, The Guy took the two point five large and boinked Mrs. TBN. Seventy-two times! But still no baby.
Something was amiss.
What Was Amiss
It was at this point that The Best Neighbor in the History of Mankind became, shall we say, “irritated”? No, we shall not. “Pissed off” is more like it. After six dozen times of layin’ The Hammer to Mrs. TBN and no with no baby to show for all this horizontal hula-ing, TBN sent The Guy to a doctor to make sure everything was OK with his male ejaculate.
The Guy was sterile, too! Blanks! No baby-making Little Swimmers! And he knew it!
Now this new bit of information brings up quite the dilemma.
Even though The Guy knew that he was infertile at the moment, he took $2500 from TBN knowing that he couldn’t produce a kid for the couple and he porked her anyway? Seventy-two times?! I smell a rat here.
But The Rat, also known as The Guy was about to get his comeuppance.
Remember earlier when I said that The Guy had some kids? It turns out The Guy thought he had some kids! Mrs. The Guy fessed up that the kids weren’t his! He was shootin’ blanks back then too! Ain’t that a swift kick in the No Baby Makin’ Gazebos?
It ain’t over yet, folks.
More Neighborly Love
Feeling that he had been defrauded, The Best Neighbor filed suit against The Guy trying to get back his 25 hundred bucks. TBN’s argument is obvious in this case. The Guy argues that he didn’t say he could produce a baby, but that he would try to get Mrs. TBN knocked up. And, boy did he try. Seventy-stinkin’-two times.
It must have been an awful ordeal to endure. You know, plowing, and getting paid to do it, a woman that looks like Mrs. TBN over seventy times ain’t as easy as it would seem.The poor The Guy. He’ll have to live with the image of bumpin’ uglies with a a former Supermodel for the rest of his life! Oh, yeah and getting twenty-five Big Ones to do it.
Alas, The Best Neighbor in the History of Mankind is still without a child. And he’s out a shit load of cash. And he willingly let The Guy screw his wife. Seventy-two times.