I hope all you Dads has a better than average Fathers Day. And being Dumbasses that is highly unlikely, but being your Fearless Leader comes with the responsibility of trying to keep you motivated and in high spirits. By “high spirits” I do not mean tequila.
Since yesterday was Fathers Day, I can only assume that many of you have Little Dumbasses running around your basement. However, many other members of the Dumbass Horde are not so fortunate as to have children. Some Dumbasses have not gotten their wives /girlfriends knocked up yet, while other Dumbasses pay the neighbor to boink their old ladies in hopes of putting a bun in the oven. There are also some Dumbasses who wouldn’t know what to do with a vagina if it bit them in the face. I gotta tell you that it’s my firm personal belief that a biting vagina wouldn’t be much fun anyway, so I won’t yank anyone’s Dumbass Card – yet. I’ll review such cases on its own individual merits. Finally, we have Dumbasses who are – how do I say this delicately? – homos. I have nothing against Dumbasses who are queers as they are valuable member of The Horde. Besides, many gayrod Dumbasses get all worked up over me calling them homos and therefore giving me more ammunition that 1) proves they are indeed homos and 2) some funny shit to write about. I love our prissy homo Dumbases. In a brotherly kind of way of course. Besides, I need someone to design my Fearless Leader wardrobe and who better to turn to than a diva homo?
Speaking of biting vaginas…
Is That a Squid in Your Mouth or Are you Just Happy to See Me?
Those wacky Koreans are at it again.
There’s this lady in Seoul, South Korea who went to a local eatery to grab a bite to eat. She placed her order which included fatback, grits and fired tripe….oh wait! That’s the wrong South I’m thinking of. I kill me sometimes.
Anyway, this nice Korean lady goes out to eat and once at the cafe, placed her order for squid. She was really hungry by the time her squid got to her so she began to slam it down like Charlie Sheen pounds down expensive sham-pain. During the chewing process, the nice Korean lady experienced a small problem with her cephalopod.
It was alive!
Wait’ll you hear this: The squid injected its sperm bag into her tongue, according to research published in February.
The unidentified woman reportedly experienced a “pricking and foreign-body sensation” while she chewed and spat the squid out. She had to go to the hospital when she felt severe pain and several “small, squirming” creepy crawlies in her mouth.
Doctors found that the squid had left “twelve small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms” in the mucous membranes of her tongue and cheek.
Indeed, the woman’s mouth had been essentially inseminated.
|Call Me, Big Steve.|
Upon reading this love story about a squid and a Korean lady’s mouth, no less than 48 quintillion thoughts came to mind. For brevity’s sake (and the fact that I have no idea how to count to 48 quintillion), I shall narrow those racing thoughts into a manageable number – like 2 or 3.
- Can a nice Korean lady become impregnated by squid sperm working its way down her gullet? BTW, Stephen King (Big Steve is a fellow resident of Maine) this is my theory and would make a great book about Korean/Squid Crossbreeding, so don’t even think about stealing my idea here. This idea is now “in print” as having originated here on Dumbass News, therefore it is © ® and other legal shit. I am sure, however, that we can work something out. Call my people. Dumbass.
- How does one go about complaining to the manager of the joint that a squid just unloaded in your mouth? I have several ideas, but none of them are for public consumption.
- Does the nice Korean lady swallow?
- Will sperm sack-squirting squid in the mouth become “The Next Big Thing” in the Homo Community?
In order of the questions posed above.
- Stephen King will love my alien/squid/Nice Korean Lady cross-boinking idea and write a best seller about it. I will get my due credit and recognition for being a sick sonuvabitch. A RICH sick, twisted SOB. Steve, email me, baby. We’ve got business to do.
- See above.
- If so, she has a bright future in the Nice Squid Sperm Swallowing Korean Lady porn industry.
Note to self: No more squid for me. Leave it for the homos.