Dumbasses Steal 93 Pounds of Mayo; BLT Sales Skyrocket
Cinco de Mayo?
My primary researcher, Mrs. Fearless Leader, is amazing. She is not only a great wife, Mother and cook, she is also a Whiz Kid at finding Dumbass material for me. Of course after hanging out with me for almost eight years, the woman has a firm grip on what “dumbass” means. I’m just sayin’.
Anywho, Mrs. F.L. (as she demands to be called) was cruisin’ the internet like I used to cruise the path from Sonic to Jack in the Box in Irving, Texas in the 1970s, and she came up with another winner (?) for me.
WHYALLA, Australia –Police were Tuesday conducting a manhunt for thieves who made off with 93 pounds of mayonnaise from a business in South Australia. Two 46-pound tubs of the condiment went missing from a refrigerated warehouse in Whyalla, about 237 miles north of the capital city Adelaide on Saturday. In a statement, police said they were puzzling over why anyone would want to steal 93 pounds of mayonnaise. They urged anyone who heard of people making large quantities of coleslaw or potato salad to notify authorities.
That’s stoopid story OK, but it’s not the story itself that brings the dumbass like a runaway freight train going downhill on a 15,000 foot mountain.
The Money Line
Well, tie me kangaroo down sport, shrimp on the barbie and g’day, mate, if that ain’t a swift kick in the gazebos.
The real dumbassery here lies in the police’s response to the missing mayo, mate: They urged anyone who heard of people making large quantities of coleslaw or potato salad to notify authorities.
Man, I gotta tell you that that’s some heavy duty detective work right there.
Police Dispatcher: Calling all cars! Calling all cars! Be on the look out for unusually large quantities of cole slaw and/or potato salad at backyard barbies, mates! 93 pounds of mayo missing. That is all.
Cop Receiving Info from Dispatcher: I hope they got some bacon, lettuce and tomatoes when we find this stuff. I’m bloody hungry, mate.
Are you fucking kidding me? Be on the lookout for large amounts of cole slaw and potato salad? That must be some backyard barbie goin’ on there!
What the Hell!
Stealing is a very serious crime, but what are the thieves gonna do with 93 pounds of mayo? Cater the next Policeman’s Ball? Make thousands of KLTs? KLT stands for Kangaroo, lettuce and tomato sandwiches? Hell, I don’t know either.
I do know that I am from Texas and when we throw a Big BBQ Hootnanny, 93 pounds of mayo for tater salad and cole slaw ain’t shit. We are hardy eaters. Mate.