It’s Monday and time for some fun, so let’s traverse the country east to west and north to south in search of stupid newspaper headlines! And where else on God’s Green Earth can you find more stupid shit than on Dumbass News? Nowhere, that’s where? In that Good Ole Dumbass Tradition, let’s get to those headlines from Hell! Remember, these are actual newspaper headlines from actual newspapers in the actual USA.
Headline: 5th-Graders Get to Grill Lions (Detroit Free Press, Friday Jan 27, 2006)
DN: I hear it tastes like chicken.
Headline: Autos killing 110 a Day; Let’s Resolve to do Better
DN: Hell yeah! Bring on a big, gas guzzlin’ Hummer or something and get to frakkin’ mowing down some people! Dumbasses.
Headline: Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad she Hasn’t Seen in Years
DN: What would the headline be if she was deaf? “Deaf Woman Gets Kidney from Dad She Hasn’t Heard from in Years”? Maroons.
Headline: Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
DN: No shit, Sherlock! Rot in Hell. Dumbass.
Headline: Dr. Ruth to Talk about Sex with Newspaper Editors
DN: When told of this little encounter, the editors said, “What???!!!”
Headline: Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
DN: In Oklahoma, that’s called “Tough Love”. I’m just sayin’.
And last but not least…
Headline: Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
DN: In Texas, that’s called “Tough Love”.
It’s so comforting to know that we have the best and brightest from the most prestigious journalism schools in the United States manning our press these days. I could go to the local high school (Go Rams!) and pick out ten kids at random to put out a better product than the Liberal dickweeds running newspapers today. Dumbasses.