I was sitting, taking it easy and wondering about what would make an easy interesting post for today. Then, all of the sudden, out of the blue I thought of something! But Mad Monkey Sex and kitchen utensils, while quite an interesting topic, would not go over well with my Mom. She’s already told me that I need to cut back on my “colorful” language. I am trying to do so, but little salty bits of the “vernacular” sometimes make a point more emphatically. For instance, which of the two following statements is more attention-getting?
- Statement 1) Those gosh darn Occupy Wall Street protestors are sure an excitable bunch of young people, aren’t they? OR
- Statement 2) Those fucking dirty assmaggots are one big steaming pile of rancid pig shit piled on top of Rosie O’Donnell, ain’t they?
Any dumbass worth his rodeo warm Pabst Blue Ribbon salt would use Statement 2. Can’t you just feel the anger in those words? The second one is not only very effective in letting the reader feel the speaker’s anger, but importantly, it’s more effective because it’s true! So, while I may cut back on the use of nasty words for my Mom, I am still gonna call a douchebag a douchebag. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
I started out prepared to write a post on Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, and as you can see, I went off on the syphilis-infected dickweeds of OWS. But it is never too late for DNH! As is the custom, I’ll write word for word the dumbass headlines actually found on newspapers large and small from all over the good ole USA, followed by my commentary on each one. Let’s rock!.
Porn case has holes, lawyer says – Ya think?! Porn cases have more holes than ObamaCare. But, the holes in porn are much easier to plug up.
The bra celebrates two milestones this year – Here I thought that bras had been holding up sweater puppies for many decades. And they are still a pain in the ass to undo. At least that’s what I am told.
Rally against apathy draws small crowd – I don’t care.
Male student finds happiness living among women – I’ll bet he does. Lucky bastard. I do, however, believe that a large sub group of women going through PMS at the same time is a motherfucker. I’m just sayin’.
Seeing worm in bowel movement bad way to start day – It’s oddthat this headline comes up just in time for this post. I was sayin’ to my wife just the other day, “Honey, I wish I could take a shit and find it loaded with some big, fat worms because I need to go fishin’ ” (<—— that’s satire by the way)
It appears to me that our unemployment rate would drastically decline if only we could get some competent headline editors at news rags all over the damn country.
Dumases. Er, uh dummasces. Dumbasses.