Welcome to the Grand Opening of Dumbass News! Here, we bring you real news from real dumbasses. Now, two things will come of the fact that you are here right now. The obvious reason is that you are a glutton for punishment, you know, a real dumbass. The other is reason is manifold, actually – several “sub-reasons” as it were. Those sub-reasons include, but are not limited to: typo’s. You made a typo in the URL you were looking for. Instead of “busty Asian women looking for dumbass American”, you inadvertently typed in “I have too much time on my hands” and ended up at this site. That’s a common mistake made by millions of Dumbass-Americans, an ethnicity that has yet to be recognized by the guys at the Treasury Department as a socio-economic group worthy of listing on the census. As a Dumbass-American, I find this sort of discrimination not only an outrage, but offensive to at least 52% of Americans eighteen or older. For the sake of clarity, we’ll call these 52%ers “Liberals” or, if you prefer, “Obama voters”. But, I digress. Another reason that you are reading this blog at this moment, is that you are drunk on cheap beer. That happens. Next on our list of reasons is you pressed “1” for English in place of “marque el dos for Espanol”. Now that I think about it, if you have read this far into this post, no matter the language, you are beyond being a dumbass and need to seek psychiatric help at once.
Here’s the deal: I created this site to make you feel better about yourself. Seriously. I am gonna post some shit on here that’s so stupid, you’ll feel like you hit the MegaBucks jackpot three times in a row or you’ll find religion in a hurry. The Germans have a word for relishing in someone else’s misfortune, schadenfreude, which roughly translates to “I don’t feel so bad anymore that my house and car have been repo’ed and my wife ran off with a guy that looks like Justin Bieber”.
Here’s the deal, too: I will make fun of anybody, anytime with the exception of my Mother and Merle Haggard. That’s the way I roll.
Here’s the deal, III: I will use language that people in “Polite Society” wouldn’t dream of using. If “colorful metaphors” offend you, too damn bad. I WILL NOT use the Lord’s name in vain as I understand it, meaning the GD word, unless it is a direct quote from a story I write about and is absolutely necessary to the plot. Otherwise, I have given the Good Lord plenty to be mad at me about and I ain’t gonna add that to the list.
Here’s the deal, part cuatro: I welcome and encourage your participation in this endeavor of mine. Please feel free to comment anytime! I think the more we interact with one another, the better. It bonds us together as an online community and each of us could, perhaps learn something from someone else. Or not. We are dumbasses, after all. Bring the funny but leave stuff like threats of violence at the door. Use your common sense.
Here’s the end: I plan on having fun with this forum and I hope you do, too. I mean, what kind of world would it be if a group of dumbasses can’t get together and have fellowship? I don’t want to even think of such a thing. It sounds too much like the poor Chinese dumbasses being oppressed by the Red Chinese Communist Party Apparatus. Poor bastards. Thank heaven we live in a country where dumbasses have the same rights as morons and idiots or, as I refer to them, Liberals. 🙂