Underwear as a Bank Robbing Tool!

Bank Robber Camo

Criminals are, by definition, dumbasses. Out of the billions of crimes committed around the world each day, when was the last time you heard of the “perfect crime”? Yeah, I know that against all odds some crooks get away with their crimes. The “not quite so perfect crimes” are ones where the bad guys get away with their misdeeds for a number of years, then one day the FBI knocks on their door and Freedom ain’t so free any more.

I mean I can understand the fact that some idiot robs a 7-11 and gets away with it. Look at who works at a 7-11 these days – guys from Calcutta named “Bruce”. No offense to guys from Calcutta named Bruce, but sometimes these fellows are new to our country and things between them and the cops can get lost in the translation.

This Ain’t a 7-11

One crime that so many dumbasses attempt and think they can get off Scot Free is bank robbery. I have never understood this train of thought. Banks in the USA are probably the most surveilled locations in the world. I have seen banks whose structure was a mobile home. I don’t know how common this is in 49 states, but I do know that in my home state of Texas, some very small towns actually have a bank housed in a mobile home. I ain’t kiddin’.

Regardless, even these mobile home banks have very modern security systems. Just like any other bank, there are video cams every two feet overlooking every square inch of the place with the exception of the toilet.

So why would some dipshit think that he could rob a bank, move to Belize and live out his days on his ill-gotten gains? I just don’t get it, yet every day some dumbass robs a bank thinking he’ll be the first ever to elude the law. A safer bet would be that a Britney Spears marriage lasts a full week.


Skid Marks on the Disguise

Down in the Florida Keys, where the lifestyle is, how shall we say, “laid back”, some stoned dumbass thought that it would be a really good idea to rob a bank. Aside from the fact that robbing a bank pisses off the best law enforcement people in the world (see:FBI, Dept of Treasury, etc), even if this shit for brains had the perfect plan, he was robbing a bank on an island! The word “island” to me indicates that the land the bank is located on is surrounded by water. I could be wrong, but in this case, I think I’m spot on.

You may, as I do when I learn of a story like this one, what exactly does a bank robber in the FLA Keys were for a disguise when he commits his felonious act? My first inclination is to think that he wears a Jimmy Buffett mask but that’s just too passe for The Keys. My second choice for a bank robbing disguise in the Keys is ….underwear! this is a perfect ruse. Nobody in the Keys wears underwear, so chances are that a bank teller would freak out at the sight of some Fruit of the Looms.

A Note for the Teller 

The would-be felon did indeed go into the bank with underwear on his head and all intentions of ripping it off, going so far as to hand the teller a note saying, and I quote, “Give me what are the 20 and 50s”. it is now clear why the draws (underwear) on the head trick wasn’t such a big deal. While brilliant, the dumbass could have walked into the bank with a poster of his ID on it and not a soul would have noticed. The note he gave the teller fucked up the whole deal. The poor teller didn’t know whether to shit or go blind. Instead, she laughed. A lot. OK, I made the laughing part up, but would it surprise you if the teller fell over from laughing so hard and she had an aneurism?

You know what’s even better about this entire robbery? The teller was so confused by the note that the bad guy just gave up, turned around and split the scene. bwahahahahahahahaha!!! He was busted a few minutes later sans draws and now is serving time with a prison full of Florida Keys Homos that want to “drill baby drill”.

The next question would be, “Boxers or briefs?”. I’m just sayin’.

Dumbass.

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