Nigerian Cocaine-Stuffed Chicken!

I am at the Age of Retirement. My retirement was thrust upon me due to some health issues that have reared their ugly heads over the last few years.

I have been fighting the Federal Gubmint for all the money I put into The System (Thanks, Liberal Assholes!) for over two years now. And I gotta tell you, I am not a hurry up and wait kind of guy. Part of my current situation is of my own doing, with no one or nothing else to blame but me. The rest of the blame lies squarely at the feet of the confiscatory Federal Gubmint that has way too much control over our daily lives, including our future as Old Farts. They took my money without my permission and gave it to other people thus putting me on the back burner and now I have had to hire an attorney to get my own damn money back. And after over 40 years of working, it is not a small amount of money. I won’t be rich by any means, but my family and I will live a much more comfortable lifestyle than we now enjoy once this whole charade is over and done with.

I tell you this because it ties in with today’s Dumbass News. How’s that? I could have followed the example set by a Nigerian fellow who had a plan to beat all plans for his pending retirement.

Let me splain.

Planning Ahead

Vincent Chegini Chinweuwa had a retirement plan that would set him up for life in his native Nigeria. It involved the humble roasted chicken. And cocaine. $150,000 worth of cocaine.

You see Vincent had struggled for six long years while living in Brazil with hopes of some day returning a wealthy man to his beloved Homeland, so he meticulously planned his return to Lagos. His scheme included buying cocaine so he could sell it back in Nigeria earning him a nifty profit and instant retirement.

“Stuffed” Yard Bird

Here’s where the roasted chickens come into play. Vincent had bought 2.6 kilos (that’s almost 6 pounds) of Brazilian toot and stuffed it into the yard birds asses hoping to sneak it past Nigerian Customs and realize his dreams of a life of luxury.

But, it didn’t work out.

Plan Gone Awry

Vincent got his coke OK and got it shoved up the roasted chickens asses. He encountered problems when he got to the airport in Lagos. It seems that during the six years that Vinny was in Brazil, Nigerian Customs Agents had undergone intensive training to be on the lookout for drug smugglers and that they had also gotten some more modern drug detection equipment to help them in their fight against narcotics trafficking.

Vince did not get the memo.

He got busted and is now awaiting trial while in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison. And by “ultra-modern” I of course mean rat-infested, urine-soaked, disease-ridden hell hole. You know, like Detroit.

This is what happens when one tries to skirt the rules when reaching retirement age. After learning of Vince’s plight, I have determined that I still loathe Gubmint Intrusion into my life and that hiring a lawyer to handle my case was not as big a pain in the ass as spending my Golden Years in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison for smuggling nearly six pounds of blow into the country. Besides, I am a White Guy and I would guess that White Guys are at a “premium” in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison. By “premium”, I of course mean “prison bitches”. I am a lot of things, some of them not so good, but “prison bitch” ain’t one of ’em.

I’ll leave the prison bitchery to Vincent Takesomeballs Tothechinweuwa.

I would, however, like a nice juicy piece of roasted chicken. Hold the coke.

Dumbass.

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