Best of Dumbass News
WARNING! Probably NSFW! Be On The Lookout for the Boss!
|Yearning for Freedom…And BOB|
Sex. Three little letters with such a profound meaning. Or result. Or consequences. Or something. “Normal” people, and Dumbasses too, need, want and crave sex. Having said that, however, there are limits to which a Dumbass (including for the sake of brevity and my poor typing skillz, henceforth, “normal” people too) wanting to get laid must adhere to. Period. There’s another small but powerful word for sexual overtures that are either unwanted or unwelcome. That word is RAPE. Unless you are a sexual deviant, or from Iran, but I digress, rough sex is a no no. End of story. No ifs, ands or unwanted spankings.
99.999999999% of criminal complaints about forced sex have men as the perpetrator. There are, however, some rare cases that involve women as the aggressor in these situations. Yes, I’m looking at you sex-starved hottie school teachers who coerce some
lucky 16 year old bastard poor young man into a game of hide the Teenie Weenie with promises of better grades at school and daily blowjobs.
Today’s story is one in which the young lady is the horny bimbo going to extreme measures in order to do the Horizontal Hula.
1664.81 miles from my house to Miami in the FLA, is a little hot tamale named Inez Nunez who is your normal, every day 18 year old nymphomaniac. I mean, this girl wanted her boyfriend to lay the chorizo to her in the worst way. Simply put, the bitch was as horny as a two peckered billy goat.
Sadly for Inez, her novio ( little Espanol lingo there meaning boyfriend) was not in the mood to play esconda la salchicha or as we gringos say, hide the weenie. After much pillow talk, pleading and weenie massaging, Inez’s efforts remained fruitless. This is when she resorted to a more “persuasive” method of getting porked. She began to beat the shit out of her boyfriend! To my way of thinking, having a woman stomp a mud hole in me is not what I would call sexually stimulating. A felony perhaps, but it ain’t no way to make Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm stand at attention. But that’s just how I roll.
Miraculously, somehow the boyfriend had enough snap about him to not retaliate against Inez as she continued to slap him upside the head. Not so miraculously, Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm had decided that standing at attention was not in the cards at this point. Poor Inez. if only she had a Battery Operated Boyfriend (BOB), this whole unfortunate incident would have never come about. Now that I think about it, if she did have a BOB and used it in a Lesbian Porn Flick kind of way, she prolly would have laid, fried, ti-died and put to the side. Willie and the boyfriend might, just might, mind you, have been properly encouraged to participate in a little Mattress Mambo. Alas, it was not to be. The mood was ruined when the ass-kickin’ started. And when the cops arrived.
As Fate would have it, the roll in the hay that Inez wanted, nay, craved, and turned into something quite different that she had hoped for. Instead of getting pounded like a cheap steak, she was on her way to the Broward County Center for Horny Bitches Who Assault Their Lovers To Get a Little Pokey Pokey. On the bright side of things, I’ll bet you a nickel that Inez will get plenty of attention from some of her new friends in the lockup. No BOB necessary, batteries not included and some assembly required.
All this bullshit just to get some.
Inez is a cute young felon and I feel in my heart of hearts that she could have found some studly young man to fulfill her “needs” if she had just tried. Her boyfriend is obviously a Justin Bieber fan who couldn’t, or wouldn’t, nail Jessica Alba if she was the one beating him like a red headed step child. But that, of course, is purely speculative. His being a pussy, on the other hand, is not.
Actually, I have no argument to make here, but this is the closing of this tale of the wrong pussy getting beat up, right? Besides, I was a PreLaw Major (Dropout) in college, so I like to say “closing arguments” whenever I can.
Conclusions: Inez committed a felony and still didn’t get hammered, the boyfriend is a pussy and Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm is still in hiding. What a sad ending to a potentially terrific Porn Flick to Be.
I’ll be taking up a Batteries for BOB Fund Raiser for Inez so she’ll be “armed and dangerous”, IYKWIMAITYD, when she gets paroled. Send all donations through the PayPal “Donate” button in the right side bar. It’s the least I could do for Inez. And BOB.