Hiya, Dumbasses! For today’s story, I want you to take notes. Yes, notes. I am going to present to you a way to knock out about $5000 a month. That’s 60 Large a year. Get a pencil and paper, a cup of coffee, a poster board and a Sharpie. This is going to be the easiest $60,000 a year you ever pulled in.
No, I am not selling anything nor am I asking you to buy anything. This is an honest to goodness safe and legal way to make a decent living doing nothing. By “nothing”, I of course mean “panhandling”. Begging. Asking people to give you money and you are obligated in no way to reciprocate the charity. You ask. They give. Easy, huh?
We have all seen these guys in towns and cities all across the country. You know the ones. The guy who looks like he last had a shower in 1962 holding a sign that says something like, “Need $$$$ for Gas and Food”. Your friendly neighborhood WalMart store is a prime piece of real estate for these Dumbasses. So is a busy traffic intersection.
In my youth, I would be traveling somewhere in Texas on one of the Interstate Highways and see guys and gals standing on the side of the highway with people zipping by in automobiles at a 75 miles per hour clip. The hitch hiking Dumbass would be holding a small hand written sign that had his destination scribbled on it. For instance, I’d be headed south bound in I-35 from Dallas to Austin and some fool would be planted on the shoulder of the Interstate holding a piece of cardboard with the word “WACO” scribbled on it meaning he wanted to hitch a ride to Waco. I had a perfect answer for these maroons in the form of a bumper sticker that read “No Gas, No Grass, No Ass, No Ride”. And I meant it, too.
I knew the lazy fuck would have no money, so that’s one strike against him. Sometimes a hitcher would have a little weed to share so he’d hop in, we’d get high and he’d get to Waco. Women hitch hikers? I never expected nor wanted any ass from them, I just thought it was a funny way to end a bumper sticker’s pithy saying. There weren’t a helluva lot of females thumbing for rides, but if there was, I’d generally pull over and take her as far as I was going or to her destination, which ever was closer. If the chick looked like she was hungry, I’d stop and buy her something to eat and at the end of the ride slip her a few bucks and wish her good luck, wonder if she’d ever make it to where she was headed. I hope so.
Note Taking Time
I think I misspoke when I said get a pencil and paper earlier. I forgot for a moment that I am dealing with Dumbasses here. I meant to say “Get a crayon and some paper” with which to take notes. Or Doodle. Or eat the crayon. Like I give a shit.
Anyway, there’s a guy named Shane Warren who never hits an honest lick (for you Yoopers, that means he’s a shiftless bastard who doesn’t have nor want a job) and brings home the bacon to the tune of sixty thousand dollars a year! Sixty. Grand. A. Year. Things could be worse here. What is it that allows Shane to rake in the cheese at this rate? He’s a panhandler. A beggar. A lazy sonuvabitch. But a very successful lazy sonuvabitch.
This Dumbass does so well at making money of the generosity of others that, according to BusinessInsider, he makes about the same amount of money a year as an architect, appraiser or computer programmer analyst. This seems to bolster President YouDidn’tBuildThis’ argument that the private sector is doing OK. Now if we could just get the welfare cheats (I am talking the cheaters here, not everybody on assistance) and other lazy asswipes to start begging from someone besides the gubmint, the economy would be so hot it would spit sparks moving forward.
|Shane Warren, $60K/year Beggar|
Oh, yeah. Each day that Shane spends begging for food and travel money, he pays $200 for a panhandling permit, which he says is no problem. No shit?
This story makes me think of my friends back home. People who went to trade school or college or something like that and have jobs that provide a service to their communities. People like Clay, who runs his own insurance agency. Or my dear sweet Anna (one of my favorite people EVER) who teaches Spanish and English to the white kids and Meskins. Or Joe the roofing guy, who is there in the hottest heat and the coldest cold repairing holes in roofs all over North Texas simply because people need it done – now. I think about these friends and about how they have sacrificed time and money helping others while guys like Shane Warren let others help him at a $5000 a month rate.
Some will say that Shane is a worthless dickweed sponging off the kindness of strangers while others will say he’s brilliant and is doing nothing wrong or immoral. Shady? Maybe.
I say that he’s got a great gig going on. He ain’t forcin’ anybody to throw some loose change in his direction, he’s just holding up a sign. When the well runs dry, Shane will get thirsty and will find some other way to quench his parched throat. I say more power to him. He ain’t rippin’ off taxpayers and he ain’t hurtin’ kids. Plus he’s carving out a pretty good existence for himself. I hope the IRS doesn’t bust his ass.
What do you think? Is Shane a crook? A genius? An Asshole? Tell us in the comments.
Crook, genius, asshole…I don’t know. But I do know that Shane Warren is my kind of guy.
***Photo courtesy koco.com***