Things didn’t go as well as planned for Mrs. Fearless Leader’s surgery yesterday, but thank God she is doing fine. It’s a long story I won’t go into, but suffice it to say it was an excruciating ordeal. We are all exhausted, to say the least.
She just ordered me to make her a sammich, so I guess the anesthesia has worn off.
Best of Dumbass News
A couple of weeks ago I wrote that all you Dumbasses had a reason to get fat. Or fatter as the case may be. That was because July was National Ice Cream Month. It’s a good thing that July ended and we are now wrapping up the first week of August. Now you can’t use ice cream as a crutch to pork up with.
I have yet another reason for you civic-minded Dumbasses to stay below three bills.
Let me splain.
Down in New York a fat guy died. That’s not so unusual as fat people die every day. So do skinny folks. And those in between. When the Big Guy calls your number, there ain’t nuthin’ you can do about it, fat, skinny or medium. It’s AMF (AMF = Adios Mother Fucker)
Anyway, the Fat Guy died of a heart attack and in his will he left his body to science. Problem is, Science didn’t want it. Why? You guessed it. It was too fat! What this Dead Fat Guy’s rather obese (he weighed in at over 300lbs.) corpse ever did to Science, I don’t know. Don’t Dead Fat Guys have something to contribute to Science after they buy the farm?
I just don’t get it. Couldn’t Science dissect this Dead Fat Guy’s body like a frog in 10th grade biology class and learn something from it? Like some shit about heart disease or diabetes or Twinkies. Something! After all, the guy was nice enough to suffer a massive coronary and keel over and leave his remains to Science. What if this particular corpse held the secret to curing some currently incurable illness?
Science is an ungrateful bitch, ain’t it?
Enter Dead Fat Guy’s Family
We now know that Science turned down the Dead Fat Guy’s habeus corpus christi cum laude McDonaldus. Which is more than could be said for the Dead Fat Guy’s Faimly. Science waited a full thirteen days before giving the unwanted corpus dilecti back to the bereaved.
It is at this point that The Bereaved became The Pissed Off.
I am not a Scientist but if my memory and common sense serve me correctly, a Dead Fat Guy can become a Dead Fat Decomposed Blob after a few days, much less nearly two weeks.
Which brings out the curiosity in me.
- If Science is so smart, how is it that it forgets to refrigerate a Dead Fat Guy while he is being turned down by Science itself? A body kept at the proper ambient temperature wouldn’t rot that fast, would it? Inquiring Dumbasses wanna know.
- Now, if Science did indeed forget to properly preserve the remains of the Dead Fat Guy, wouldn’t it, you know, notice that he was doing the ashes to ashes thing?
- If not, why?
- I don’t know.
The Pissed Off, formerly the Dead Fat Guy’s Family, was not amused to the point of filing a lawsuit against Science! Science in this case being the hospital that let the Dead Fat Guy rot to hell. To be fair, the hospital said it tried to donate the Dead Fat Guy to various Dead Fat Guy Body Snatchers but had no takers. Still, thirteen days? I think that if the Dead Fat Guy were the Alive Fat Guy and knew all this was going on, his feelings would be hurt. But he’s still AMF’ed and he doesn’t give a shit one way or the other.
Again, I am not a Scientist, but even a Dumbass like me knows that you don’t let a Dead Fat Guy lay around for thirteen days before returning the body to whomever. Why couldn’t these Smarty Pants Science Guys at least fake accepting the Dead Fat Guy? It seems to me that that would be much more “scientific”, not to mention a lot nicer, than giving back a decomposed Dead Fat Guy after thirteen days. Could Science have not just taken out a spleen or gizzard or something and fulfilled the Dead Fat Guy’s last wishes and saved The Pissed Off from being pissed off and filing lawsuits. This is what’s known in the vernacular as “covering your ass”. The Dead Fat Guy’s Family would have been none the wiser, still grieving over the loss of their loved one and out of court. Now, though, they are The Pissed Off and a certain medical facility has a lot of splainin’ and a lot of check writin’ to do to The Pissed Off.
It all could have been much more pleasant and diginified had Science simply sent back the Dead Fat Guy within a day or two. Postage paid, of course.
Scientifically speaking, Science is a….