Testicle Death Grip

Best of Dumbass News

Oh, boy! This is a good one. Warning for Men: If your stomach turns or you experience extreme pain from mental images of gazebos being squished like rotten tomatoes, read no further!

Singing Soprano

Gazebo Death Grip Device

This man and woman down in the F-L-A had decided to get a divorce, which in and of itself is not a pleasant experience. Trust me one this one. The guy thought it would be a good idea if he hid a ring he had given his wife. So he did. The soon-to-be ex-wife took exception to his actions. And by “took exception” I mean she put the Death Squeeze on his left gazebo. You guys breathe in, breathe out, this is only a story. Ladies, wipe the damned smile off your faces now. Sadistic broads. Or ex-wives. But I repeat myself.

The woman also pulled a knife on the man and his left gazebo, threatening to kill him and use his gazebo as a foosball in a gay bar. This chick means business. If I were in this position, I’d be drawing the bitch a detailed map to the fucking ring. did I mention that this ring is worth 15 large? For you non-criminal types, as if there’s some non-criminal types who read this blog (Ha!), that’s $15,000. Here’s another thing about this deal. If one of my gazebos is literally in hand of a Psycho Bitch from the Depths of Hades, I am thinking, and thinking very quickly mind you, I’m asking myself, “Ring or gazebo? Ring or gazebo?”

The Gazebo Has Been Set Free

I have no idea how, but the guy managed to talk the Psycho Bitch from the Depths of Hades into letting go of his gazebos. This whole pitiful ordeal took about two minutes to take place, but I can assure you that it seemed like two weeks to the gazebo grabee.

The cops finally arrived and arrested the woman for assault with a deadly weapon and abuse of a gazebo with intent to lower the sperm count. A police spokesman specializing in crimes against gazebos, then told the press that the woman had taken unauthorized pictures of a gazebo with red marks and bruises evident in the photo. That’s just wrong.

When last heard from, the man was doing a Tribute to Michael Jackson, The Early Years tour around the country and the woman was in a gazebo abuse rehab group. Can you imagine the start of on of these meetings? Hi, I’m (insert Psycho Bitch from the Depths of Hades’ name here) and I am a gazebo-a-holic.

I guess the old adage is true…a gazebo in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Dumbass.

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