Best of Dumbass News
There are some places and some people on the Big Blue Marble that are worthy of non-stop contempt and mockery. Other than the sons of motherless goats in the Middle East (I’m looking at you, Iran!), there are some other people and places that give me great pleasure in calling a bunch of pussies and twinkletoes. I am, of course, referring to Fwance and San Fransissy. It’s nothing intentional, but dumbass stories about the two keep pouring into my news readers and email at a rate faster than water barreling over Niagra Falls.
|Is that you, John R.?|
Fwance and San Fran are the gifts that keep on giving. Kinda like having Christmas every day of the year. As long as they keep on supplying the gift wrapped dumbassery, I’ll keep on rippin’ them to shreds and looking for the goodies in the box.
Florida Gets a Dumbass Pass
I would include Florida on the list of The Mocked & Derided, but the Sunshine State is somewhat handicapped when it comes to this “competitive dumbassery”. The deal with Florida has to do with its diversity. First of all, you’ve the Native Floridians.Plus, the F L A is loaded to the gills with immigrants trying to assimilate into the American way of life (legally) and even I wouldn’t come down on them with the full Wrath of the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. The kicker in this equation is the number of “transplants”, or as Real Florida-ites call them, “Fucking Yankees”, that have invaded the Florida Peninsula. Therefore, even though I write about an abundance of dumbass F L A – ridians doing dumbass stuff, so many of them are Yankees that it skews the Dumbass Sample Size. I’m just sayin’.
Comin’ Up on the Outside Is…
Illinois! Chi-town and its ‘burbs to be precise. Not only has The Second City produced high powered Dumbasses like former Guv Rod Blogojavich, our current Dumbass in Chief and the Daley Regime, Chicago also turns out a healthy number of “regular” dumbasses. In other words, just plain old dumbasses.
Now The Windy City can lay claim to a dumbass who ranks a notch above “regular” dumbass and a notch below the more prominent purveyors of Dumbassery. If our Dumbass of the Day keeps up the good work....Oh, wait! He can’t ! Why? Because the Dumbass is is the Cook County Crossbar Hilton with $100,000
credit limit bond to help make sure that he enjoys a long vacation courtesy of the fine citizens of Chicagoland.
Today’s Dumbass, John R. Pacella, has earned his stay in the Cook County Slammer by going above and beyond the call of Dumbassery. This guy has gazebos the size of Dallas and a love of likker like a Skid Row Hobo, a very dangerous combination if not kept properly in check. Who am I kiddin’? John R. is a comode huggin’ drunk with about as much sense as a goat humping Ham Hater named Hussein.
You see, good ole John R. got all tanked up on some cheap ass malt likker named BlogObama Brew and began to feel angry. And brave. And fubared. That kind of Canned Courage can lead only to one thing…9-1-1! Yes, fellow Dumbasses, John R. got gassed and immediately picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-1. Was he seeking help for his drinking problem? Nope. Did he injure one of his Big D Sized Gazebos? Negatory.
John R. dialed 9-1-1 at 4AM not needing emergency assistance, but he did tell the 9-1-1 lady that he wanted her to send the cops to his house because he wanted to kick their asses. After recovering her breath from a long bit of hardy laughter, 9-1-1 lady says to John R., “Sure thing, Sir! I’ll send them right over”. So the fuzz made the scene at John R.’s crib and out comes John R. strutting like a banty rooster who just missed being supper. The Peace Officers on the call tried to have a nice friendly talk with the dumbass, and he politely accepted their most gracious offer with a pleasant greeting, “I say, Constable, shall we have a spot of tea and discuss this matter like gentlemen?” Then John R. was heard to yell at the cops something that sounded like “Chuck’s shoe” or “cork screw” and then he shoved a Police Officer. The heat took exception to such a breach of civility and body slammed John R. onto the sidewalk, beat the shit out of him with their night sticks and said in a very surly voice, “Neener, neener, neener!” Everything after “he shoved a Police Officer”, I made that up.
But Wait There’s More!
Did I mention that John R. Pacella of the Chicago area is a registered sex offender? He is. I would go so far as to say that being a registered pervert didn’t help John R. curry any favor with the local constabulary or the judge who set his bail. Throw in the fact that the guy assaulted a cop and resisted arrest, and our man John R. Pacella of Willowbrook, Illinois, convicted sex offender can anticipate a very long and profitable career as a Bona Fide Prison Bitch. It would be a crying shame if the other inmates in John R.’s “home to be” found out that Johnny Boy is a rapist or child molester or whatever, wouldn’t it? They just might try to injure brother John R. Don’t injure the poor man you bastards! Cut off his fucking gazebos!!! One. By. One. S-L-O-W-L-Y.
Have a nice vacation, John R. I hope you make new friends easily. Or get a broom handle up your ass. Personally, I vote for the broom handle up the Hershey Highway.