Milestone: Some time yesterday morning Dumbass News topped the 100,000 page view barrier! One. Hundred. Thousand. That’s got a nice ring to it. I can’t begin to express my sincerest thanks to each of you for time and support. There were times when I wasn’t sure that we’d make it to a thousand, much less 100K.
I am humbled and grateful.
Best of Dumbass News
You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. “This shit” being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we’re talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.
Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It’s Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.
I. Ain’t. Happy.
A Night on the Town
A woman whose name we do not know but we’ll call “MoonBeam” had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.
MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.
Enter the Duct Tape
MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, “Bitch, leave the club now!”, but not in those exact words. MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.
The cops were called.
The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies’ Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I’m looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies’ Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.
MoonBeam was not amused.
It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam “freaked out”. By “freaked out” I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle’s Finest. Further, by “kicked the shit out of”, I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!
There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam’s hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.
Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin’ she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men’s or a women’s prison.
Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there’s a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.
Duct Tape not included.