Frozen Pizza Leads to Attempted Murder!

Life is hectic. Even more so at this time of year, what with all the Christmas/Hanukkah festivities going on in schools, churches, synagogues and communities all across the Fruited Plain.

When some precious free time avails itself to us, it’s nice to sit back and take it easy for a few hours by taking in a movie or some other leisurely activity.

Or you could throw a frozen pizza in oven and watch a bunch of has-beens and never-weres on some stoopid shit TV thing like the recent 12/12/12 concert.

Dick

That’s exactly what Richard and Debra Watson of Orange City, Florida were doing when things got out of hand. And by “out of hand” I naturally mean “attempted murder”.

Half Done Totino’s

Dick and Deb (I hope they don’t mind if I call them Dick and Deb and fuck ’em if they do) were having a nice quiet evening at home. Deb was watching that dumbass 12/12/12 concert while Dick was off in another room of the house measuring out 8-balls of blow. OK, I made up the part about measuring out 8-balls. I just wanted to spice up this story.

Anyway, the concert had ended and Dick went into the living room to join Deb is a little frozen pizza action. The pizza wasn’t cooked well enough for Dick so he got mad and threw his plate full of Totino’s Double Pepperoni onto the floor. Not to be outdone, Debra did likewise. Now we have two plates of perfectly good frozen-yak shit-for-pizza decorating the LR floor.

This is where the dog’s water bowl comes in.

Glub Glub

You see, it is at this point of this tawdry episode that Richard takes exception to the fact that Debra threw her not-quite-done pizza across the room also. I guess Dick is the only one in that household that is allowed to chunk cheap ass frozen pizza to the other side of the house.

We can surmise that Dick was pissed because this was when Dick tackled Deb and thrust her face into a dog’s bowl full of water!

After nearly being drowned to death, Deb was able to break free from Dick. Dick, however, caught up with her and backed her into a corner where he proceeded to strangle her!

A neighbor called the cops and Richard Watson was arrested.  

At this juncture of our story I have concluded a few things.

  1. Dick doesn’t like half-cooked cheap ass pizza.
  2. Dick gets really upset when somebody besides him tosses cheap ass pizza across the living room.
  3. That must be a helluva big doggy water bowl if it holds enough water to drown a full grown woman.
  4. While putting forth a maniacal effort to commit homicide, Dick is really persistent.
  5. Dick is a dick.

All told, Dick will soon be getting plenty of dick as a prison bitch once he has been convicted of attempted murder-by-doggie-water bowl.

A Dumbass First

In the nearly two and a half years that I have been writing this blog, we have seen attempted murder-by-toilet seat,  attempted murder-by-The Walking Dead and out and out murder by squeezing a man’s scrotum until he DIED, but this is the very first time at Dumbass News that we have covered an attempted murder-by-doggie’s-water-dish.

Congratulations, Dick, may you soon queef where you used to fart.

Dumbass.

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