Another year of Dumbass News has come and gone. That means another 365 days of the finest Dumbassery known to modern man has been chronicled for posterity right on these very pages. It’s a legacy that a Fearless Leader can be proud of, something my grand children will some day look back on and declare, “Say what you will about Grandpa Fearless Leader, he was a top notch Dumbass if he was anything.”
I get misty eyed just thinking about it.
I also get all choked up when I look back over the past year at the sheer volume of the stoopid shit I have covered, each post the result of a dogged determination to bring to you the absolutely most pathetic actions of Dumbasses from locales around the world.
In summary, 2012 was a resounding success for Dumbass News.
And now….The Dummies…
|Is There Nothing It Can’t Do?|
Our first category in the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards is Best Use of Duct Tape by a Dumbass, Public Nekkididity Division.
And the nominees are:
Chick With Duct Taped Boobs Beats Up Three Cops- Law Enforcement personnel have one of the toughest jobs in the world. Not only do they see that the rest of us obey the law, but many times they are called upon to act as mediators in disputes between the citizens they are sworn to protect and serve. At other times they are assaulted by nekkid wimmin with duct taped boobs. And of course by “assaulted” I mean kicked the shit out of. The Chick with Duct Taped Boobs inflicted some pretty impressive injuries upon three of Seattle’s Finest.
Duct Tape and Nekkid Driving – I am a lifelong user of Duct Tape having used it to mend various parts of cars, shoes, baseball bats and prolly a hundred other things laying around the Dumbass Dome. Having said that, I can categorically deny ever having used it in a state of nekkididity or operating a motor vehicle while in my birthday suit. I can not, however, say the same for this couple in Portland, Oregon.
The winner of the first Dummy for 2012 is….!
It’s a tie! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the very first time in the history of the Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards, we have a tie! Let’s face it. What we have here is two of the most inventive uses of Duct Tape in the History of Duct Tape. How on Earth can I pick one of these stories over the other? I couldn’t.
Wow! What excitement! What drama! What bullshit!
The 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards are certainly off to a flying start! This is the first in a long list of Dummies to be awarded, just imagine the excitement and surprises that await us!
I can barely contain myself!