Our country is in a helluva mess these days. We are $16 Trillion (that’s 16 followed by twelve zeros) in the hole with an unemployment rate officially listed at around 8%. With millions of Americans now so discouraged that they are no longer looking for work, the real jobless figure is in the neighborhood of 18% according to some economists.
These statistics indicate that it’s a very competitive market for job seekers. Too many seekers, not enough jobs.
I am retired so pounding the pavement in search of employment is not high on my list of priorities. However, I am very concerned for my fellow Dumbasses who are looking to rejoin the work force, desperately seeking
a way out of Mommy’s basement a source of steady income (other than dealing meth that is).
Job Hunting Tips
Because I care, I am offering, as a public service, the following helpful tips that will make finding a job easier for even the most inexperienced of Dumbasses. And by “most inexperienced of Dumbasses”, I of course mean the lazy bastards who’ll be thrown out on their asses if they don’t come up with something to contribute to Mom’s monthly Cheetos bill.
In order to get the most effective job hunting tips for you chronically unemployed losers, I went to the Professionals at Monster.com.
- Pick and Choose – Look for companies that you are interested in and that match your job skills and experience. For most of you reading this, that means learn to say “Can I super size that for you?”
- Work Your Network – In other words, regularly check with your buddies on Facebook and find out where you’ll meet up to smoke your next joint and talk about how “The Man” has stuck it to you. Talking about finding a job is optional.
- Sell Yourself – Female Dumbasses will understand this tip to mean “become a hooker”.
- Stay Positive – This is probably the best advice you can get when you are looking for work. After you’ve been turned down a few dozen times, stay positive that you are just a pox on humanity and have no socially redeeming value.
- Wait for the Job Offers to Pour In – Since we know that you are a scourge to polite society, this will never happen, so now you can go back downstairs and open up a new bag of Cheetos.
I hope that I have been of some sort of help and inspiration to you by offering these invaluable job hunting tips. If you follow them, the hunt for your next
welfare pay check will be much smoother and without the hassle of actually doing anything meaningful.
All this because I care.