Dumbass: I’ll Trade Ya This Stolen $40k Car for $20 Worth of Crack

Last week I bought a car. Not a new car, real good used one. I picked it up from a mechanic that I’ve been doing bidness with for a couple of years. I learned about Jim (the mechanic) from Mike the Maintenance Hombre here at our apartment complex. He has been working here for about two years and I know him pretty well, so I trust Mike’s judgement. I figger that if a guy who fixes shit for a living recommends another guy who fixes other shit for a living, it’s all good. Word of mouth advertising and all that.

Anyway, I went down to see Jim the Mechanic, found a car I liked, took a test drive, and bought it. Outright. Cash. It’s mine.

This is more than I can say for Carlos Sergio Valdes of Austin, Texas.

Carlos and the Car

Carlos also recently paid a visit to a car dealer. Quick note: For all the Yoopers in the Dumbass Horde, “Carlos” is a Meskin name. I thought that I’d pass that on to you because I know that the only Meskins you have ever seen were on TV and the name “Carlos” prolly threw you for a loop because it ain’t Fwench.

Back to Carlos…Carlos went to a Chebby dealer down in Austin under the pretense of buying a new automobile. But the Chevy Salesman that was helping Carlos out had no clue about the shenanigans good ol’ Chuck had up his sleeve. Quick note, too: “Carlos” translates from Spanish to English as “Charles”. Hence, “Chuck”. Or “El Chuck-o”. Take your pick. 

El Chuck-o and the Chevy Sales Guy had a nice car-buying conversation. Carlos was so impressed by the SUV that he took the brand spankin’ new Chevy Tahoe on a test drive. Without permission! A quick look at Chevrolet’s web site says that Tahoes are priced starting at $39,830. This is an important fact to remember.

Meanwhile, Back at the Chevrolet Dealership…

So here’s Carlos on an unauthorized test drive in a $39,830 SUV. Nothing good could come from this, could it?

El Chuck-o was gone with the Tahoe for a couple of hours when he called the Austin Police Department to report the car stolen! The APD met with Carlos to discuss the stolen ride. He obliged them with the details of the theft and everything was cool. Until the cops later pulled over a woman driving the missing SUV.

She ratted out Carlos quicker than a fat kid sucks down a double dip chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cone. She indeed ha gotten the Tahoe from Carlos – for two rocks of crack cocaine! Now where I come from, trading $20 worth of crack for a $39,830 Chevy Tahoe is a very good bidness deal. If you are the crack dealer. Where I come from this is also known as receiving stolen merchandise. And a felony.

Observations

  • The Chevy Guy is an idjit.
  • Never let a guy with the name of “Sergio” as part of his moniker near a $39,830 automobile. This is very bad joo joo.
  • When you commit a felony like Grand Theft Auto, it’s a very bad idea to call the cops. They have ways of figuring this kind of deal out.
  • If a guy is willing to steal a $39,830 SUV and trade it for $20 worth of crack cocaine, his life is fucked up because of said crack cocaine.
  • Crack cocaine must be some good shit. 
  • Chevy sucks. See: bailout; tax payers money; not yet paid back.
  • Can we the American Taxpayer repo General Motors since they still owe us billions of dollars? (I don’t care what their TV ads say to the contrary) If you were to miss a car payment or two they’d snatch your wheels quick as a hiccup. Turnabout is fair play.

Dumbasses.

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