Best of Dumbass News
Prominently displayed high on the list of Scourges on Humanity is drug abuse. Millions of citizens of this great land are hooked on drugs like Liberals are hooked on Gubmint and OPM (Other Peoples” Money). A significant number of drug addicted Americans are ordinary people who have made some real fucked up choices in their lives and, for whatever reason, turned to self medication as a way to cope with the difficulties in their lives. As a Former Professional Drinker, I have a tremendous amount of sympathy and empathy for these souls. On the other hand, however, many drug abusers are just plain old Dumbasses.
Let me offer you an example.
A prime example of a Dumbass doing drugs simply because he is an idiot is David Williams of Oklahoma.
Dave and one of his junkie friends were driving through Okmulgee County, Oklahoma when they got pulled over for speeding. (BTW “Okmulgee” is a Cherokee Indian word for “We Hate the Paleface for Fucking Us Over in the 1800s”) And when I say “speeding”, I mean speeding! Exceeding the posted speed limit was the least of Dave’s worries. His most pressing concern at this point is the portable meth lab in his UNDERWEAR! I ain’t kiddin’! Dumbass Dave had a mini meth lab in his draws.
When Dave & Friend were pulled over, the Oklahoma State Trooper who did so noticed a strange smell coming from the Meth Mobile. This is a not a good thing if you are Dave. Or “Friend” for that matter. The Trooper asked about the weird smell emanating from the car and that’s when the struggle began. Dave and the cop rassled around for a moment then the situation took a dramatic turn. The meth lab in Dave’s undies exploded! BOOM! The simple explosion of something located in proximity to a man’s gazebos is cause for serious concern to the man in question. You see, in order to produce meth a volatile mixture of chemicals must be used, thus the ignition of the shit in Dave’s BVDs.
That’s gonna leave a mark.
A Dave That Will Live in Infamy
I have published some Pulitzer-worthy posts about Dumbasses who have been featured on these pages because of the stoopid shit they did and the involvement of drugs in their very public acts of dumbassery. There’s this story about a couple of Dumbasses who are in possession of $425,000 worth of pot and the car containing the weed gets hijacked! How about the Einstein who was buying some pot in some seedy neighborhood when he got robbed. Then he called the police! This one’s the doozy about some Dumbass Bitch who texted someone telling them that she had some primo shit. The “someone” in question was a cop!
As outrageous as those stories are, I gotta give Dave credit for out-dumbassing all other dumbasses and their drug deals. Dave, you have raised (lowered?0 the bar for Future Dumbasses who choose to become in the fine art of drug trafficking. Setting a new standard in the Realm of Dumbassery is a rare achievement akin to finally finding Waldo.
I salute you.
|Official Dumbass Salute|
I think Dave should take advantage of his recent misfortune by creating and marketing a new brand of men’s underwear. The new brand’s name? Fruit of the Boom!