Two things up front.
- Today’s story is sickening. Not sickening like each of the other over 800 Dumbass News posts, I mean nauseatingly, projectile pukingly sickening. You have been warned.
- If the woman in this story isn’t named the winner of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award for 2013, I’ll kiss your ass in the middle of downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd.
Let the stomach churning begin!
Not Reality, Actuality
I have mentioned on at least one occasion that I am a big fan of reality TV. A couple of my Tru TV favorites include Lizard Lick Towing and Hardcore Pawn. I also like the shows where people buy shit from abandoned storage units and all the ones that are about people who live in the swamps. Oh, yeah, and the shows that feature a bunch of Dumbasses digging for gold. Nothing says I have the same I.Q. as a United States Senator like a group of guys who spend their “life savings” to run off to Alaska searching for the Mother Lode. What are the odds of these maroons striking it rich? One in a gazillion, give or take a billion? Adios “life savings”. Quick question: if the guys in the Digging For Gold Shows invest every last nickel they have in mining for gold and they recover only enough gold for a pair of earrings, how in the name of the 49ers do they have the capital to return for a second season? Also: How do their families back in the Lower 48, whom the guys leave behind for 4 or 5 months at a time while they dodge hungry grizzly bears and horny moose in Alaska, survive? I mean the families have got to, you know, eat and shit.
Actuality my ass.
The Purr-fect Dumbass
My Twitter Buddy Stoo, via Gawker.com, sent me this:
It was inevitable that Lisa would one day end up on the Internet, with her unique spin on what it means to be a crazy cat lady. She is like light to the dark of that Hoarders subject who kept her dead cats in the fridge. Lisa eats cat hair. She finds it all over her apartment, which must be as wonderful and fuzzy as finding chewed gum all over your apartment if you are a regular person who doesn’t eat cat hair. She prefers it from the source, though: “The best ones are right off the cat,” she explains. Freshness is key, obviously.
Lisa has been made to talk all about her taste for cat hair by being profiled by TLC’s My Strange Addiction, the apotheosis of that channel’s lighter-side-of-freakishness programming ethic. Lisa describes the “comforting feeling” of chewing on cat hair and while she says that stroking her cat with her tongue is a bonding experience, she and her cat aren’t going all the way — Lisa explains, “I’m not lickin’ her butt.” Yet.
- Lisa also has the I.Q. of a United States Senator (see above). A Democrat, of course.
- Yes, there’s a video.
- I can go to my grave a happy and complete man knowing that cat hair straight off the cat is much tastier than cat hair scraped off the sofa.
- I’d much rather get a “comforting feeling” chewing on a coca leaf. Or a tire iron.
- What channel number is TLC on Time Warner Cable?
- Lisa needs to be institutionalized.
- Lisa needs to be spayed.
- After reading this, I may start drinking again.
- My Twitter Buddy Stoo is a sick fucker.
- This story is the cat’s meow.
- I feel sick to my stomach.
- Where’s the Pepto Bismol?
***Photo from Gawker.com***