Best of Dumbass News
I love Tennessee, God knows I do. It pains me to have to say, no matter how true it may be, that the Volunteer State has its share of Dumbasses. And I’m not just talking about the Dixie Chicks here either. There is, however, a Dixie Chick (a woman from the South, not the singing group) that fits the bill of being a Dumbass to a “T”.
So many Southern women are the epitome of kindness, honesty, caring and decorum, but not all of them possess such Earthly qualities. That’s where Joy Lounders comes in.
Last Wednesday night, Joy was sitting alone in her home in Jefferson County, Tennessee minding her own damn bidness when the unthinkable happened. A gray haired man stormed into her house and began to violently assault her. Like any Southern woman worth her salt, Joy grabbed a pistol preparing to send the Bad Guy to His Reward. However, it didn’t quite work out that way as Joy was shot twice, once in the leg and once in the shoulder. She was able to call the Cops who quickly arrived on the scene.
Joy lives in a nice, previously safe part of Jefferson County and the Police were dumbfounded that something like this horrible incident could occur in a such a neighborhood.
You wanna know why the Law was so shocked to see a crime of this type at Joy’s house?
Because. It. Did. Not. Happen!
Yes! Joy made up the whole damn story! She told the Cops that a gray haired guy broke into her home, assaulted her and fled in a gray or silver SUV. Problem is, there was no bad guy, no crime and no SUV. Nothing.
That leaves us with the question: How in the world did Joy sustain these gun shot wounds then? Simple. She shot herself! I ain’t makin’ this shit up.
For whatever reason (the Police still don’t know), the stoopid bitch fabricated the whole “home invasion” fairy tale then shot herself to make it look real. Just so you know, btw. Joy was taken to the hospital, treated and released. She’s OK.
According to WBIR-TV, after this whole fiasco was solved, Joy, Shooter of Self, is scheduled to turn herself in on previous DUI charges. Now, I think I know why Joy concocted such a wild tale in the first place.
Not only is she a Dumbass, she’s a drunk, too! Whether or not the fake home invasion has anything to do with her DUI is purely speculation on my part. But! As a Former Professional Drinker, I can tell you that drunks do stoopid shit and it appears to me that Joy was seeking a little sympathy from the Jefferson County Justice System in regards to her DUI situation. That’s just my opinion.
But there are other ways to show your remorse for driving while obliterated and possibly killing an innocent bystander or two.
From One Pro to Another
Judging by the facts in this case, I feel comfortable in saying that Joy has a drinking problem. And I don’t mean, “I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem”. Just call me Captain Obvious.
But, Joy, Joy, Joy…tsk, tsk. Faking one crime to get a little sympathy for another ain’t the way to go, sweetheart. Shooting yourself in an effort to cover up your lie is so blase. There are other avenues you could have pursued in your cry for help. Allow me to enlighten you, Joy.
- Offer to pork all the cops who responded to your bogus 9-1-1 call. The results would have been the same. You would still be going to jail and you would have been the only one to get screwed. Of your own doing of course.
- At you DUI sentencing, ask the Judge to join you for Happy Hour, your treat, at The Dew Drop In. Oh, yeah, tell him you’ll call a cab for a ride home later. And give him a hummer under the table. Maybe he’ll go light on you.
- Prepare yourself to be “invaded” in ways you have seen only in “Women Behind Bars”-type movies on Skinemax at Night.
Cue ’70s Porn Music.