Assault By Cheez-Its! Critics Call for Snack Cracker Control!

Best of Dumbass News

During moments of temporary insanity or as we call it here on Dumbass News, dumbassery, people are inclined to do some pretty damn stoopid stuff, including assault. Assault with, shall we say unusual objects. We have covered many such incidents on these pages and each new one seems to be more bizarre than the one before it.

A few examples of Dumbasses Gone Wild (soon to be on DVD!) I have brought to the attention of Dumbasses around the world range from the lady who attacked a cop with a sex toy to the story of a one legged man assaulted by a Dumbass with a cucumber salad. I ain’t makin’ this shit up.

I ain’t makin’ the following shit up either.

Snack Attack

By “snack attack” I don’t mean some dumbass smoked a fatty and went for the Cheetos like a pit bull on a t-bone. I mean he actually committed assault with a snack food! Cheez-Its to be precise.

Andy Gatz, the Dumbass Du Jour in Palm Bay, Florida, got quite upset with his wife. Why was Andy so pissed off at his beloved? She had the unmitigated gall to attend a concert celebrating Earth Day! While I think Earth Day is a Liberal Pussy Steaming Pile ©, getting so bent over such a stoopid thing is a bit over the line. Even for a Dumbass.

Good old Andy was so livid that he picked up a box of Cheez-Its and threw them at his spouse hitting her in the eye! Not only did the Cheez-Its smack the woman in the peeper, a small piece of one of the snack crackers lodged in her eye causing some sort of injury.

The lady was treated at a local Emergency Room and released.

This Ain’t the First Time

Cheez-Its are a popular tool of the trade with Dumbass Criminals in Florida. Just last year in Jacksonville, a burglar who had busted into a Jax home was so proud of himself that he actually took a photo of himself holding a box of Cheez-Its signed by then Head Coach of the NFL Jacksonville Jaguars, Jack Del Rio, during the commission of his crime! He is now a Prison Bitch. Andy, too, will soon be a favorite “snack food” of Bruce “The Horse” Fenwick. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

My advice to Andy is that the next time he gets infuriated enough to go Nolan Ryan on his wife, heave something original at the poor chick. Something that will do some serious damage. Like a can of Campbell Soup.

Nacho Cheese flavor of course. It makes a nice lube for future “Share Your Snack Time” at  the Florida Department of Corrections’ I Take It Up the Velveeta Boulevard Unit.

Dumbass.

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7 comments

  1. stoo

    He is indeed a dumbass – and the victim in this sordid incident should be protected. After all, anybody that would attend an Earth Day concert is prima facie compost mentis (yit-for-brains).Isn't it about time we ban Earth day?

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