Best of Dumbass News
Happy What-Would-Be Elvis’ 76th Birthday, Dumbasses! It was also 37 years ago today that I attended my last day of high school. I, quite by accident mind you, had all my required courses completed so I decided “To hell with this”. I partied for a couple of weeks (I was 18 and we could legally buy alcohol at the time) and then got a job. I was making $3.25 an hour, living at home. Dad paid all the bills and was on the road most of the time, so it was almost like having a bachelor pad of my own. All I had to pay for was my own beer and leave Dad’s brew alone. Not a bad gig for an 18 year old. Oh, yeah! I also got to drive Dad’s brand new 1974 Camaro LT. I just supplied the gas, which was less than 20 cents a gallon back then. If I had four dollars, I had a full tank of gas.
We’re barely a week into the new year and we’re lining up 2012 Dumbass of the Year contenders like Charlie Sheen picking out hookers to share his nose candy with. Literally every day that I have written a new post, the dumbass in the story could be a DOTY nominee. Just take a look at the archives for January if you doubt me. That streak continues today with a story that I never imagined in my wildest dreams could actually happen.
I hope you are sitting down.
The Unexpected and the (Still) Unexplained
Wells Fargo. The company that bears that name has been a part of the United States banking system since 1852 and I’ll bet you $10 that what I am about to tell you has never happened in the storied 160 year history of the firm.
On January 4, 2012, last Friday, the Wells Fargo Bank on Arena Blvd. in Sacramento, closed its doors at the end of the business day and the fine people who work there went home to enjoy the weekend with their families. Not unlike millions of other Americans. But that weekend would turn out to be a once-in-160 years event. After all the bank employees left for home, the last guy out at the Wells Fargo bank turned out the lights and he too, headed for the Ponderosa. Last Guy forgot one minor thing however. He forgot to lock the bank’s door! How in the name of all that is Holy can Last Guy forget to lock the door of a branch of one of the largest banks in the world??? Good Gawd Almighty, y’all!
Last Guy is probably one of those neurotic dumbasses that locks his car doors (when he’s washing it!), locks his front door when he’s at home (in the day time!) and has a dead bolt on the bathroom door. Last Guy secures his house like Fort Knox, but can’t remember to lock the door of a bank that has untold millions of dollars inside? What.The.Fuck.? Henry Wells and William Fargo (yes, that Wells and Fargo) are rolling over in their graves so fast, they sound like a couple of Japanese motorcycles doing 100 mph in 2nd gear. I mean dayum, dude.
I have a couple of thoughts on this situation. First, does Last Guy still have a job? If not, 7-11 is always hiring and they are open 24/7. This is a lucky break for Last Guy because a job at 7-11 ensures that he’ll never have to worry about locking doors again! This is a good thing. Also at Siete-Once (<—-a little Meskin lingo there), cash counting time will be a breeze. Instead of counting thousands pf dollars, he’ll only have to count up to about 50 bucks. That’s all 7-11 employees are allowed to have in the cash drawer. And unless a robber is a crack head, what self-respecting criminal would be happy with robbing a business of only 50 dollars?
Speaking of crooks (<—-clever segue), I bet there wasn’t a bad guy within three billion light years of the Wells-Fargo bank that had a glimmer of a thought that the door on the place would be wide-ass open. Not that that would be a deterrent, Last Guy probably forgot to turn on the security system too.