Many parts of the country, ranging from the Texas Panhandle to New England, are under the frigid grip of Old Man Winter. Last night as we here in Maine got the last flakes of about a foot of snow, people in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas were under a Blizzard Warning. As a side note, the Blizzard Warning was issued for Lubbock, Texas (Home of Some of the Finest Nekkid House Cleaning in the World) when the temperature was sixty-nine degrees outside! Welcome to Texas weather in the late winter.
As you know, the Upper Midwest has also been slammed by some wicked winter weather, thus keeping many Midwesterners inside. Many, but not all.
Leroy Duane Woodbeck of St. Paul, Minny-soda is a prime example of “many, but not all”.
Cold Outside, Warm Inside
There’s an old saying that goes something like this: “if it’s so cold outside that your nut sack will freeze solid then without notice separate itself from its rightful place on your body, then it’s too damn cold to be outdoors”. OK, I admit that I just made that up, but it’s the truth. Frozen gazebos = too fucking cold.
This is a saying that Leroy Duane Woodbeck obviously has never heard of. Today, I bet he wishes he had.
Let me splain.
A-Plowing We Will Go
Leroy, like hundreds of thousands of other Minny-soda-sippers, became bored from cabin fever due to the inclement winter weather. Unlike other Minny-soda-sippers, however, Leroy devised a plan to alleviate his boredom.
He decided to steal a snowplow!
While this is a worthy endeavor in order to create some excitement in one’s life during tedious times, it is not what one might call exactly “legal”. One might however refer to it as a “felony”.
Anyway, Leroy pilfers the plow and goes on about his criminal bidness for a while. By “for a while” I mean until he managed to get the snowplow stuck! It was at this point that Leroy did what any Dumbass who had just committed a major felony would do. He went from door to door asking neighborhood residents for assistance. One guy even offered to call a tow truck so Leroy could get his plow truck out of the snow. Leroy politely declined the generous offer.
By this time, the Police had received word of the snowplow theft and were on the lookout for it. They found it. But Leroy had arleady split the scene.
After some outstanding detective work, and the fact that there were footprints in the snow leading straight to the culprit, Leroy was arrested and now faces some serious jail time.
- When there is a shit ton of snow on the ground there are very few legitimate reasons to be outside. Being a Dumbass isn’t one of them.
- If you’re a Dumbass, leaving the cozy confines of your Mother’s basement to go play in the snow is probably a bad idea.
- Leaving the cozy confines of Mom’s basement to commit a felony is an even worse idea.
- If you must commit a felony in the winter time, remember that when you walk in snow you leave behind footprints!
- GTS (Grand Theft Snowplow) is something best left to professional snowplow thieves.
- Do not eat the yellow snow.
***Hat Tip to Michael***