Need an Excuse for Being Gone for 2 Weeks? Fake Your Own Kidnapping!

Kidnappers’ Tool of Choice

A terrible thing happened to Rahmell Pettway.

He was kidnapped.

Last Thursday passersby found Rahmell sitting between two parked cars on the streets of New York City. His mouth, legs and hands were bound by duct tape and he complained of pain in his ribs.

The Police were notified and Rahmell told them the tale of his abduction. He told the cops that two guys in a blue minivan had kidnapped him and held him for two terrifying weeks moving him from place to place around the Big Apple.

However, NYC’s Finest soon became skeptical of Pettway’s story. With good reason.When The Law found Rahmell, a roll of duct tape was still dangling from his wrist!

A confession to this fakery soon followed.

Why would Rahmell go to such extraordinary lengths and concoct such an elaborate hoax?

He didn’t want to tell his girlfriend why he was gone for those two weeks! He was afraid that she’d kick his ass! Of course we all know that faking our own kidnapping is a sure fire way to avoid an ass-kickin’ from our sweetheart.

I know that Mrs. Fearless Leader would be most compassionate if I suddenly disappeared for a couple of weeks. She’d be compassionate enough to change the locks on the door and leave a note for me to contact a friendly neighborhood divorce lawyer. Child support and punitive alimony would soon follow.

Disappearance Advice

Guys, it’s really very simple.

If you don’t want to be with your girlfriend/wife, just tell her. There are a number of ways to do this.

  • Tell her the red dress she just spent $400 on makes her ass look like the rear end of a ’65 Buick.
  • Question her personal hygiene habits. Use phrases like “smells like albacore tuna”. IYKWIMAITYD.
  • Start wearing her panties and that $400 red dress. 
  • Demonstrate a sudden fixation for interior decorating.
  • Plaster your home office walls with posters of RuPaul.
  • Comment how studly Ryan Secrest is.
  • Boink a farm animal. 

Kidnapping, schmidnapping.

Man up!

Dumbass.

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