Best of Dumbass News
I have been telling you about the Dumbass Things that Dumbasses do for almost two years now. And no matter how weird the story, there eventually will be another Dumbass pulling the same Dumbass Stunt.
Today’s story is an encore presentation. Not of the Best of Dumbass News variety, but of the “some Dumbass was bound to do it again” type. Here’s the original Dumbass News story that relates to today’s tale.
This activity involves Drunk Homeless Guys and I’m afraid it’s giving a bad name to drunk homeless guys all over the country. As a former Drunk Homeless Guy, I am truly concerned about the sullying of the image of my Drunk Homeless Brethren.
I can not and will not stand for it!
|“Hold on, Harold! I think there’s a drunk homeless guy in there!”|
The activity I’m talking about is homeless guys from Portland, Oregon that get drunk and do something stoopid, like, oh, I don’t know, maybe crawl into the back of a Waste Management trash truck and pass out, thus risking being squeezed to death like a rotten tomato. This is not typical behavior for the seasoned Drunk Homeless Guy, so I can only assume it is rookie Drunk Homeless Guys ruining the fun of being a Drunk Homeless Guy for all Normal Drunk Homeless Guys.
Normal Drunk Homeless Guys may crash on a park bench or on the steps of the Public Library, maybe even under a nice comfy bridge, but NEVER in the bidness end of a garbage truck!
You can see where my problem lies.
I hope like hell that this is not a fad or some Red Chinese Communist Plot to ruin the good name and untarnished image of Drunk Homeless Guys all over America. Better dead and homeless than Red and homeless! That’s my motto!
Dumbass at Hand
The Dumbass in our story today got all shit faced and decided that driving home was not an option. Good choice. He could have killed dozens of Drunk Homeless Guys and Liberals had he driven an automobile while fubar’ed. This is unacceptable! Drunk Homeless Guys are people, too! Fuck the Liberals.
Wait! Did I imply that this guy had a car? Lemme re-check. Yes! I did! Knowing that little tidbit of information that may have been overlooked by an ordinary Dumbass without my Drunk Homeless Guy Street Cred, I can now conclude that this is indeed a Red Communist Chinese Plot to ruin the red blooded American Drunk Homeless Guy!
As I delve deeper into the available facts of this case, this Red Commie Drunk Homeless Guy was not homeless at all AND, get a load of this, he twice avoided being crushed when the garbage truck compacted its load! Only a well-trained foreign Red Chinese Communist Drunk Fake Homeless Guy Secret Agent could pull of this caper!
OK, I concede, this incident could have been a mere accident, with no involvement from the Official Red Chinese Communist Ministry of Drunk Fake Homeless Guys.
He could just be a….