I have a sick kid that requires a visit to Old Sawbones this morning so I won’t have time to create another Dumbass Masterpiece. I shall, therefore, regale you with a narrative of Days Gone By. For all you Yoopers, that means here’s some of the Best of Dumbass News.
People are strange, as Jim Morrison wrote lo so many years ago. They (meaning “we”) suffer from some weird shit. Me? I am scared to death of heights, so I suffer from dumbassis tallus itis. Some people are afraid to go outside which, in the parlance of the American Psychiatric Association, is known simply as “stupid as fuck”. Then there are those who are actually scared shitless of clowns. This affliction is known as “bozo erectus areyoukiddingme sigmund freud syndrome”, or coulrophobia.
After reading today’s story we should all be very afraid of grown men who paint their faces up like ancient Zulu warriors in order to amuse people, or as they are known in San Francisco, homos.
But, I digress.
Let’s assume it’s 2:55 in the morning, you are sleeping off a major bender anf all of a sudden, there’s a knock at your door. Under these circumstances, I am grabbing the nearest double barrel 12 gauge and s-l-o-w-l-y approaching the door. If I am still drunk enough, I shoot first, then approach the door. Again, I digress.
This is exactly what happened to a Boca Raton, Florida couple recently. Except for the drunk part. I made that up for dramatic effect.
Instead, however, of being leery of someone knocking at their door at nearly 3 AM (!), the female part of the couple answered the damn door! What could possibly go wrong? Let me tell you what could possibly go wrong. There could be a guy in a scary clown mask at your door just a-chompin’ at the bit to steal 120 Klonopin tablets (Klonopin is BAD, BAD joo joo), expensive watches, your wallet and all its contents including credit cards and cash – what could possibly go wrong.
|Klown on Klonopin|
If you weren’t skeered of clowns before this little incident you will be now. Except for one thing. You know the guy in the scary clown mask. How do you know that you know the guy in the scary clown mask? He lifts up the mask to reveal his identity! Well, hell! I feel all better now! Did I mention that Bozo has two friends with him and they are carrying crow bars? he did and they were.
So, the three clown Dumbasses enter the home swipe the Klonopin (I’m tellin’ ya, this is some nasty shit!), $5000 worth of watches and the wallet, plastic and cash.
The lady later ID’ed the clown who lifted up his mask and he and his buddies were soon busted by the Boca PD.
- I do not answer the door at 3 AM unless the voice on the other side is that of my Mother. I am still shooting first, though. If it really is Mom, I’ll apologize for blasting her to Kingdom Come and she’ll understand. And maybe even forgive me. I am an only son, after all.
- Ditch the Klonopin. I can’t even begin to tell you what that stuff can do to a normal human bean.
- If you know a guy that dresses up like a clown and shows up at your door at 3 o’clock in the morning with two guys carrying crowbars, it’s time to find some new friends.
- You deserve whatever Fate deals you if you keep five thousand dollars worth of watches and Klonopin in the same place.
- You are a Dumbass for all the above reasons.
So, the next time you are at the circus with the kids or grand kids, look at the funny clowns and think of this story, then tell it to the children with you. They’ll see Bozo in a whole new light and they will never answer a 3AM knock at the door unarmed.
And flush the damned Klonopin for Gawd’s sake. That shit is nasty.