Have you ever had trouble removing a ring from your finger?
I have learned over the years that when I do a lot of strenuous work that involves using my hands for an extended period of time, like gardening, my fingers swell up just enough that taking off a ring ain’t as easy as it should be.
I have used several methods of stuck ring removal with varying degrees of success – cold water, soap, butter and others that escape me at the moment.
A Dumbass in Bradford, Pennsylvania has come up with a ring removal idea that is sure to take the Dumbass Horde by storm!
Let me splain.
Wedding Ring Blues
For some damn reason, known only to himself, Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III (is that an Eye-talian name or what?) wanted his wedding ring off his finger, and he wanted it off there bad.
I’m not sure whether or not Alfredo used any cold water, soap or butter in order to get his wedding ring off his finger, but he was persistent in his quest to be ringless. After considerable deliberation, Alfredo finally found a solution to his dilemma!
Grab a hand gun and shoot the wedding ring off his finger!
Now, to the uninitiated, this may seem to be a bit extreme. And that’s because it is, you Dumbass! Who in his right fucking mind would use a firearm to remove a wedding ring from his finger?! Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III, that’s who!
Seriously, Big Al corralled a pistol, carefully took aim at his wedding band and BANG! Problem solved. Sort of.
Alfredo managed to blast his ring finger into oblivion, but there was a slight hitch in his plan. He blew his digit off, but the ring remained on the stump where a moment ago there was a perfectly good ring finger.
I guess it is necessary to the plot to inform you that during this whole deal Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III was, according to police officers who answered the call about a Dumbass shooting off his finger, extremely intoxicated. Ya think?
There’s one more little twist to this story. Alfredo is employed as a prison guard!
Malespini has been charged with a bunch of gun-related shit and could end up sharing a cell with some of the very people he was paid to supervise. Can you say “prison bitch“? I have a sneaky feeling that if Alfredo ends up in the Slammer, the boys in Cell Block D will invent new ways to play “Hide the Sausage” with him.
Suggestions for Alfredo
- For any future wedding ring removal, try cold water, soap or butter.
- Don’t wear a ring.
- Don’t stay married so you won’t be obliged to wear a wedding ring.
- Lay off The Sauce.
- Next time, aim lower. Your nut sack would be a good place to start.
- Have fun in Cell Block D.
- And here’s the obligatory “don’t drop the soap” warning.