Best of Dumbass News
Boy hidee, I gotta tell you that we are loaded with Dumbasses today, folks. And when I say “loaded”, I mean loaded as in a gun.
And it’s funny you should ask, because this story revolves (pun intended) around a firearm. So, let’s take aim at the Dumbasses in our story.
|Aggie Veterinarian Shirt|
Where: College Station, Texas, home of Texas A & M University and the Aggie Nation. For those of you around the country, or the world for that matter, Aggies are a “special” breed of Texan. And by “special” I mean Natural Born Dumbasses. In Texas, we make fun of Aggies the way people in the Northeast make fun of the Irish or Polish or any other ethnic group. If you know a good Irish/Polish/Ethnic joke, simply insert the word “Aggie” for “Irish” or “Polish” or any ethnicity and you’ll have the definition of an Aggie.
For example: How many Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group/Aggies does it take to get dinner? The answer is two (2). One to watch out for traffic.
See what I mean? That’s an Aggie for you.
A Dumbass and his wife, co-starring a pistol.
It seems as if this innocent skunk had wandered into the Dumbass’s yard one night. So, he comes up with this Great Plan to Eradicate the Skunk Once and for All. This GPTETSOAFA would involve a pistola. Let inject here the fact that Texans are rather proud of their firearms and their ability to use them as needed. This includes shooting spouses who are Dumbasses.
Let me splain.
I told you that the skunk was in the guy’s yard and he (The Guy, not the skunk) says, “Honey! There’s a skunk in the yard! Let’s go blast that little bastard to Kingdom Come!” The wife agrees. So she grabs a gun and outside they head searching for their unsuspecting prey. Skunks are unsuspecting because they are stoopid. But if you had a weapon like the spray a skunk can lay on you, you’d be unsuspecting too. But I digress.
Outside the couple goes and within a few seconds they spot the intruder, the skunk. Here’s where a shitload of Dumbassery comes into play. For some reason, the Dumbass is gonna let his wife shoot the skunk rather than do it himself. Why, I don’t know, but I do know that that is a decision that he will regret for the rest of his life. If he lives.
Aim This Way, Sweetie!
|Aggie/Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group Pistol|
The Dumbass goes on the opposite side of the skunk from the lady with a loaded gun! “Just squeeze the trigger, Sugar Puss”. So, Sugar Puss takes careful aim at her quarry, waits for just the right second and BAM! That’s when the Dumbass felt a burning sensation in his belly. The burning sensation of a .45 calibre bullet!
The skunk got away. The guy hit the ground with a bullet in his gut.
I smell questions coming up here.
- Why did he think that shooting a skunk was the way to get it rid of it? At a safe distance, (a skunk can spray from 7 to 15 feet, so 16 feet from the bidness end of the skunk is considered a safe distance) simply go outside, make a shit load of obnoxious noise, like the Aggie War Hymn, and the little stinker will haul ass outta there like somebody stuck a Roman Candle up his ass. ***I will caution you at this point, that stuffing a Roman candle up a skunk’s ass is not a highly recommended activity. Loud noise will do just fine.***
- Even though the Dumbass in Question is an Aggie, he should have known that standing in front of the business end of a .45 is not a good idea. Why would he do this?
- Further exacerbating the situation is his encouraging the lady to shoot the skunk while he is in the line of fire. This, too, is highly suspect, if not deadly, behavior. Why would he do this?
- After being struck in the abdomen by a large calibre handgun bullet, will this Aggie guy live long enough to learn a lesson from his Dumbassery?
- Let’s hope so.
- Did this moron not realize that a dead skunk stinks just as bad as a live one can when provoked? That smell doesn’t just dry up because the furry little fuck has assumed room temperature.
- Who amongst us is stoopid enough to pick up a dead skunk and move it elsewhere?
- Not me.
There are probably another hundred or so questions that could be asked at this time, but I think we have covered the basics.
So there you have it, Dumbass Horde. The shallow end of the gene pool has reared its ugly head yet again and man faces death by Dumbassery. I just hope the guy recovers from his wounds……so we can make up Aggie jokes about him.
Now you know what an Aggie is. It’s just another word for …
***Hat tip to Dumbass Matt Vaughn***