Note to New Dumbasses: There’s not much we won’t cover here at Dumbass News. Dumbasses of any shape, size, color, nationality, sexual persuasion or gender will be vilified to the High Heavens, provided of course that vilification is necessary to the plot.
The only off limits topics will be the Dumbassification of my Mother, the Pope and My Favorite Protestant, the Reverend Billy Graham.
Your mother? Fair game. The Dolly Llama? In the Dumbass Cross Hairs. The “Reverends” Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton? Screw ’em.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…
Today’s story has a familiar ring to it – Dumbasses and fire.
We have, on several occasions, brought to your attention incidents where the interaction of Dumbasses with open flames have been met with, shall we say, unpleasantness. No, we shall not. We shall say “disaster”.
Remember the guy who set a parade float aflame?
How about the couple that went ape shit and attacked a car with a flaming tampon!
Then there’s the one where the guy was trying to get rid of a nest of spiders with a blowtorch! He got rid of the spiders alright. He also got rid of his house. This story is a perfect segue into the Dumbassery that lies ahead….
The Snake and the Dumbass
A Lady Dumbass down in Liberty Eylau, Texas was doing a little spring cleaning around her property when she made a startling discovery – a snake! Running across a snake while living in rural Texas happens all the time. What makes this story so unusual is how the Lady Dumbass reacted to the situation.
When all the sudden coming face to face with a snake, most Texans I know would do one of two things:
- Grab a shovel, garden hoe or some other equally lethal farming implement, and beat the scaly serpent repeatedly until he was graveyard dead.
- The more commonly used method in dealing with a venomous viper is utilize something along the lines of a 12 gauge shotgun and blast that motherfucker to smithereens.
Then there’s the Dumbass Way.
Gasoline and a match.
Yes, the Lady Dumbass went Full Tilt Boogie Dumb Fuck and poured 87 octane gasoline on the snake and then pitched a match on it. While this would ordinarily be a very effective, if not stoopid, method of sending an unwanted snake to his Maker, a snake that has been turned into a writhing mass of flame tends to be what many would say is “unpredictable”. Many would be correct.
This particular Snake Flambe headed straight for some underbrush.
The Scientific Method clearly states that “a snake that has been set afire by a Lady Dumbass will, proportional to the level of pain while burning like a marshmallow over a camp fire, seek refuge in the nearest pile of dry kindling”. This is what is known as “starting a brush fire”. And a house fire. Make that two house fires. A neighboring home was also damaged in the conflagration.
Liberty Eylau Fire Chief David Wesslehoft said (I swear in the Name of All That is Holy I ain’t makin’ this up) that “it’s not unusual for burning animals to start a fire.”
I have nothing further to add.
***Image from okcfox.com***