Category: 000

Guy Loses $20K in Drug Cartel’s Cash, Asks Cops to Write Excuse Note!

John Wayne once said, “Life is hard. It’s even harder if you’re stupid.”

Who am I to argue with The Duke? Those nine words are some of the most powerful ever spoken, ranking right up there with “I have a dream”, “Four score and seven years ago” and “Where’s the beef?” That’s walkin’ in some high oratory cotton right there.

Today’s story is the perfect illustration of what Mr. Wayne said.

Trouble in Tucson 

Demarco Thomas must have a rough life. He is stoopid. Real stoopid.

Thomas was traveling through Tucson recently when he noticed that he’d misplaced some cash. Twenty thousand dollars worth of cash! Now what on Earth would a guy like Demarco Thomas be doing with 20 Large in cash? Do the words “alleged drug courier” mean anything to you?

Demarco Alonzo Thomas, Dumbass

So here’s an alleged drug courier who has somehow lost twenty. big. ones. Knowing this, I am able to deduce that not only has Demarco lost 20 Grand, he has lost someone else’s 20 Grand. And who, pray tell, could this someone else be? You got it! A Big Time Drug Dealer! I ain’t the smartest Dumbass in the room, but something deep inside me says that losing twenty thousand dollars that belong to a Big Time Drug Dealer is not a good thing. My understanding is that doing such a thing can lead to a sudden stoppage in breathing. 

Seeking Help

Demarco was also concerned about the repercussions of losing all that cash, so he immediately sought help. From the Police! 

But wait, this story is about to get a lot better. Better even than the Dumbasses whose car holding $425,000 worth of pot got hijacked

Fearing for his life, he called police to ask if an officer could write a note to the local cartel explaining that he lost $20,000 in drug money; he thought it might smooth things over if he could show cartel members a phony receipt from the local police stating they had seized the money, the Arizona Daily Star reported.

I can see it now:

Dear Bloodthirsty Big Time Drug Dealing Cartel Guy, 

Could you please excuse Demarco for losing $20,000 of your ill gotten gains. It was an honest mistake that could have happened to any drug courier. We know that this a lot of money, but it is a mere drop in the bucket compared to the millions of dollars you collect while peddling Death-in-a-Small- Baggie to poor schlubs everywhere.

In light of this fact, we politely ask that you not be too harsh on Demarco by cutting off his hands or resorting to some other barbaric punishment for his little boo boo. It is our firm belief that a very harshly worded scolding done in a very stern manner would be sufficient in helping Demarco realize that what he did was not very responsible. 

Thank you for your compassion in this matter.

Sincerely,
Tucson Police Department

In other words, Demarco Thomas is in deep doo doo. He’s either a Prison Bitch or a dead man.

I hope the Bloodthirsty Big Time Drug Dealing Cartel Guy opens up his heart to forgiveness regarding Demarco’s blunder.

$20,000 says he won’t.

Dumbass.

A New Milestone (and One on the Way!) for Dumbass News!

75,000 waiting to see their Fearless Leader…..

We have reached another milestone at Dumbass News! From our very first day and the Grand Opening Announcement to the unwanted removal of the Chiniese Dumbass’ ying yang, we have now had over 75,000 page views from almost 30,000 unique visitors living in 141 countires around the Globe!

…..wondering who the guy in the funny hat is

 Your support, and obvious complete lack of decency and common sense, has been the backbone of Dumbass News since it’s inception. Our next big feat will be the Second Anniversary of the blog on September 19, 2012. Or 100,000 page views, whichever comes first. I can assure you September 19 will be here well before 100,000 hits. Unless you Dumbasses go psycho and read these pages 10 – 20 times a day. And that would be fine by me. By all means click away.

In all sincerity, thank you all from the bottom of my pea-pickin’ Dumbass heart. Your continued readership keeps me from going sane. 🙂

See you at 100,000 or September 19!

Dumbass.

Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde