This is a first for Dumbass News! A Live Dumbass Alert is being issued for South Central Maine. This Dumbass Alert includes the Greater Augusta Area.We normally go online to look up all the Dumbass News that you read here, the news that so-called “news organizations” are too pussyfied to bring to you. However, a short time ago, a Dumbass News-worthy event took place about 50 yards from my front door. Here’s my exclusive report:
I got a call from a neighbor, who lives just across the way from us, on the Dumbass News Hotline about a breaking Dumbass News story. My neighbor,
Tracie who shall remain nameless was the first dumbass on the scene, as this event took place about 25 feet from her back porch. Tracie My neighbor, despite being a dumbass, had the presence of mind to call me, The Head Dumbass at Dumbass News, with the first details from the scene of the dumbassery. I’d paraphrase what Tracie my neighbor had to say, but she’s a dumbass with a speech impediment and this is all I could make out, “oaocjappewf c nj/ACnv’;” I’m a little rusty when it comes to Dumbass, Spanish I know, Dumbass, I am learning, and this what I could gather: “Some stupid fuck dumbass just came around the “S” turn by the pre-school on an icy and snowy road, and bought it in the culvert behind my apartment”.
Sure enough, I went over to the scene of the dumbassery and there was a small gold car perched on the rock lining of the culvert, about two feet from being in a few feet of water. Since I am a Professional Dumbass, I took my camera with me to capture this dumbass moment in a photo to be used as an example of how NOT to drive on snowpacked roads. If you look at the driver’s side front door closely, in the photo above,you’ll see the reflection of a light. In the photo below, you’ll see that that reflection is coming from the cruiser of one of Augusta’s Finest. What you can’t see is the dumbass who pulled this little stunt is a passenger in the back seat of the squad car. bwahahahahahaahahahahaha
Thankfully, nobody was hurt in this accident and the dumbass driver will have a nice Christmas story to tell his dumbass grand kids some day. But the most important thing the dumbass can cherish and brag about until the day he dies, is that he was once the Dumbass of the Day!
|Missed it by that much!|
(dumbass hat tip to
Tracie my nameless neighbor)
With so many dumbasses and so little time and blog space, it was actually pretty easy to choose the Dumbass of the Year. While we had some very worthy nominees like the doo doo diver dumbass, the dumbass who tried to run from the police on a riding lawnmower, and the runner up for the coveted Dumbass of the Year Award is the guy who had a working cell phone connection and a cell phone who stayed stranded on an island for five days before using his phone. Overall, 2010 was a great year for dumbasses, but there can be only one Dumbass of the Year. And the winner is…….
The drunk dumbass who attacked the police with a sex toy!!! Here’s that story from November 15, 2010…
Ladies and gentlemen, I have found what could easily be the “Dumbass of the Year” news story. This story makes all previous contenders for this coveted award look like pikers. It’s that good.
We have all the elements of an honest-to-goodness, without-a-doubt of a classic dumbass story. Carolee Bildsten has earned a place in the Dumbass Hall of Fame with this beauty. Carolee recently went to Joe’s Crab Shack in Gurnee, Illinois for some supper and a bit of wine. Mission accomplished, she walked out without paying her bill. That’s Dumbass Move Number 1. Alert employees then called the cops. The police searched the vicinity and eventually found Carolee laying on a patch of grass near a Six Flags amusement park. Behold Dumbass Move Number 2. Noticing that Carolee was plowed, the policeman on the scene offered to take her home to get some money to pay her bill at Joe’s Crab Shack. Carolee accepted this generous offer and was escorted home by the nice cop. When they arrived at Carolee’s house, she told the fuzz that she had money in her dresser. She went to her dresser, opened the drawer and instead of pulling cash flow, she pulled out a BOB!!! (battery operated boyfriend). According to the police report, Carolee the Dumbass” said her money was in her dresser drawer and she opened it and reached inside and removed a ‘clear, rigid feminine pleasure device’ and held it over her head and approached the officer in a threatening manner”. At this precise moment, the policeman’s assault by sex toy training took over and he knocked the “clear, rigid female pleasure devcie” out of Carolee’s hand and placed her under arrest and ask her what she had planned for later that night and if she had a girlfriend who could join them. <wink wink> OK, I made that last part up.
Carolee was “charged with theft of labor for allegedly walking out on the restaurant bill, pedestrian under the influence for walking on city streets while inebriated, and aggravated assault for menacing the officer with a sex toy.” Menacing the officer with a plastic penis is serious business in Gurnee, Illinois. How serious? The dildo landed Carolee in jail where she faces a stiff sentence. Dumbass.