|Shit for Brains|
Best of Dumbass News
I’ll be back “live” tomorrow!
The guy in the photo is a criminal. Bank robber? Nope. Embezzler? Try again. This man, Gary Moody, is a convicted “toilet pit climber”. And a dumbass. I am intrigued by the term “toilet pit climber”, so as a Professional Blogging Guy, it is my sworn at duty to get to the, er, uh, bottom of this.
As you may have guessed by now Our Friend Gary likes to climb into the pits of outhouses! Gary is a Doo Doo Diver!. But!, you say, maybe Gary was plastered one time and did something extremely stupid – and disgusting. I wish that I could report to you that this is the case, but NO! Gary Moody is a Serial Doo Doo Diver! And a Serial Dumbass!
Recently Ol’ Gare was spotted by a nine year old boy after a successful session of doo doo diving, Gary’s second known outhouse pit diving expedition. In 2005, Moody pleaded no contest to trespassing for the same offense. Since Gary’s crime is not quite as common as, say, car theft, he was the first guy the cops went to for answers regarding this incident. The Portland Press Herald notes that special agent with the US Forest Service, William Fors recalled the case from 2005 and told the paper, “Based on the extremely rare nature of this type of activity, the fact that Gary Moody had a previous conviction for the same activity and the fact that Moody had a last known address in the Gardiner, Maine, area, I decided to locate and interview Moody,” No shit?
As a resident of Augusta, which is so close to Gardiner that you could hear Gary fart, all my fears have been allayed since the US Forest Service is right on top of the very serious crime of Doo Doo Diving. As a matter of fact, the Augusta, Maine “metro” area proudly holds the distinction of having the lowest doo doo diver recidivism rate in the entire United States of America thanks to the relentless anti-doo doo diving efforts of the United States Forest Service right here in our humble little town. I shall sleep better at night.
Good ol’ Gary was convicted and sentenced to 30 days, a $1000 fine and $700 restitution to the Forest Service for the cost of pumping out the toilet pit. It seems to me that Gary could have saved himself seven big ones if he’d just asked for a shovel and emptied the pit on his own. Not only could he have saved the cash for himself, he could have done the very thing he loves doing! What more could a criminal ask for?
I’m sure that this will be a subject of interest at Gary’s kid’s next “What Does Your Daddy Do for a Living? Day” at school. Does Gary dare take a Port-O-Potty to the school to demonstrate what Doo Doo Diving is all about? Does he say “doo doo” in front of a class of second graders? Instead of “Doo Doo Diver”, should Gary use the term “Feces Farmer” instead? What’s a Daddy Doo Doo Diver to do?
Here’s my bit of wisdom for Mr. Moody: Flush the whole idea.
|Jury of Your Peers – Do They Look Happy to Be There?|
If I have learned one thing in life it is that if you want to keep a secret or keep something private, it is best to not go on a 50,000 watt, clear channel radio station heard in almost 40 states and share your little story. I am fairly certain that such an act would let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. I could be wrong here, but I don’ think so.
KOA, 850 AM in Denver, Colorado is one of the most famous radio stations in the country. They are legendary in broadcast circles. KOA has been broadcasting for over 80 years and is very popular throughout the state. I have spent many hours listening to KOA in any number of states in the USA. It goes everywhere!
Knowing what we know, it would be safe to assume that you were to do an interview on KOA, that there would be someone you know is listening at that very minute. As a matter of fact, you can take it to the bank. Just ask Susan Cole.
Susan was talking on the air with long time KOA talk show host Dave Logan (a former Denver Broncos wide receiver) telling the tale of how she skipped out on jury duty. She told Logan that she faked mental illness in order to avoid serving on a jury. Two things here: 1) Shirking your civic obligation to serve on jury duty, as big a pain in the ass as it can be, is not a good idea. 2) Faking an illness or lying to the Jury Duty Guys in order to avoid service is a felony. I’m just sayin’. And as one who suffers from BiPolar Disorder and ADHD, making light of mental illness is not very nice. It doesn’t offend me personally (none of my personalities….hahaha) but it sill ain’t cool. I can also state categorically that I have papers to prove I am a basket case, can you prove you’re sane? I didn’t think so.
Remember that part up there ^^^ where I said if you were on KOA, somebody you know would be listening? Guess what? As Susan told of her web of deceit, somebody she knew was listening to her tell it! Susan’s friend was not amused and reported her to the authorities. Karma, bitch, karma.
In the very near future, Susan won’t be telling tall tales on the radio, but she will be listening to them in the Denver County Jail – as a convicted felon.
I know how inconvenient serving jury duty can be, I’ve been there. But it really is a civic obligation not to be taken lightly or routinely dismissed simply because it comes at a bad time. Juries are the foundation of our legal system and without them things could get pretty chaotic pretty quick. Just serve when you’re call upon to do so. You might actually learn something about how the criminal justice system works. There is another way to observe the workings of the justice system up close. That is to shirk jury duty. You’ll just get to see the system from the other side while 12 of your peers decide that your are an unAmerican dumbass lying to get out of the very thing they are there for. And all 12 of them may not be in a good mood on your day in court. Think about it.
Just ask Susan Cole.