My long-time friend James Ott lives in Louisiana and is live blogging, on The Lower 48 (Plus 2) the events surrounding Tropical Storm Isaac as it approaches Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Florida and/or Texas. Be sure to check in often as he gives you an eyewitness account of what is happening where he is!
Join James’ first post as he describes Waiting for Isaac, August 2012!
You know, this blog ain’t just about making fun of people. We sometimes offer valuable life lessons. Take this post from yesterday for example. How many other blogs offer advice on how to become a Prison Bitch? Quick! Name one! Can’t, can you? That’s just the kind of priceless public service we at Dumbass News offer on a daily basis.
I mean, we don’t always offer Prison Bitch Lessons, but we do cater to a very diverse demographic of Dumbasses. Why, just a few days ago,we helped console a Chinese Dumbass on how to cope on the loss of his penis to knife-wielding jealous boyfriends. Just go to the Dumbass Search Box on the left and type in the word “negro”. You’ll immediately see the results of our outreach to those of African Heritage. Mostly we pick on White Guys, but that’s cool. I am a white guy and I know that too many of us are real Dumbasses and have little to offer society. I am, however, doing my best to use my position of Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde to steer Stoopid as Fuck White Guys into the realm of Normal Dumbassery.
You can thank me later, Stoopid as Fuck White Guys.
Texting is a Pox on Mankind
I have long extolled the Dumbassery involved in texting on your cell phone. texting, to me is stoopid in and of itself. I mean, your are holding a $400 cell PHONE in your hand, typing a message to someone on the other end. Am I in the minority here in believing that a cell phone is to be used for making phone calls? A phone call from your iPhone can easily be done with one hand or even with no hands, depending on your personal comfort level in Geekery.
Don’t even get me started on texting and driving.
Woops! Too late, Dumbass!
Former Stoopid as Fuck White Guy
You notice that I wrote “Former” Stoopid as Fuck White Guy? I did that on purpose. The FSAFWG i am talking about is a lucky sonuvabitch just to be breathing my air. Why is he so lucky and what damn near killed him? Texting damn near killed him. He was driving at the time! Ironically, just before he went over a cliff (I am not making this up) his last text was “I need to stop texting because I could die in a car accident”. that’s when the FSAFWG met the bottom of the cliff. THUD!
The Dumbass suffered some serious as shit injuries including a broken neck, crushed face, fractured skull and traumatic brain injuries. All this for a fucking text message? Give. Me. A. Fucking. Break. Did I forget to tell you that doctors had to bring the FSAFWG back to life three times? Now you know.
I think I also neglected to say that today the guy is telling his story, but the accident that nearly killed him while he was texting and driving took place SIX MONTHS ago! Long and painful rehab anyone?
I am not here to bust the dude up over this deal, but he deserves it nonetheless. I am sure he would tell you the same thing. Oh, wait! He says of texting and driving,, “They just need to understand, don’t do it. Don’t do it. It’s not worth losing your life,” he said. “I went to my grandmother’s funeral not long ago, and I kept thinking, it kept jumping into my head, I’m surprised that’s not me up in that casket. I came very close to that, to being gone forever.”
So, there you have it. Straight from the Dumbass’ mouth.
Heed or bleed. It’s up to you.