Thanks to my long time friend Matt Vaughn in Texas, today we are breaking new ground in the sink hole that is Dumbass News. I’ve come to expect stuff like this from Matt because he is one of the biggest Dumbasses I know. I must admit, however, that I am a bit jealous of Matt. And by “jealous” I of course mean that I would pay an exorbitant amount of money to one of my wife’s Eye-talian uncles (Sicilian, naturally) to put Young Matthew to “sleep with the fishes”, IYKWIMAITYD. This would be easy to accomplish because my buddy Matt lives near one of my old fishing holes, Lake Ray Hubbard. This is one of the reasons I am jealous of my friend – because he lives so damn near the lake. Another reason I am envious of Matt is because he has a Harley and I don’t. Having said all this, you can easily see why Matthew deserves a fate of nothing less than becoming catfish food.
So, Matt, if you wake up one morning with a severed horse head in your bed, it’s nothing personal, bro. It’s just bidness.
The groundbreaking part of our story today involves ID theft. This is a first for Dumbass News. In the past I have written about this stoopid bitch that was cashing Social Security checks – that were written to her DEAD boyfriend! There was also the time that we discovered that credit card theft is a gateway to becoming a smoker.
While cashing gubmint checks made out to your dead boyfriend and credit card theft are fine felonies indeed, they don’t compare to the Dumbassery we will learn about today.
May I See Your ID, Please?
Brianna Priddy is a waitress at the Applebee’s in the Denver suburb of Lakewood, Colorado. A couple of weeks ago, Brianna’s wallet was stolen from her. In the meantime, somebody was going around the Greater Denver area cashing hundreds of dollars of bad checks using Brianna’s stolen ID. This is important to remember.
One day Brianna was at work serving some delicious Applebee’s menu fare to the upstanding citizens of the Metro Denver area when a young lady came into the restaurant and was seated in Brianna’s section. The young lady, whom we’ll call Clarice, then ordered an adult libation. Brianna wasn’t sure that Clarice was of legal drinking age, so like the Law and Applebee’s company policy dictate, Brianna asked Clarice for some form of identification to verify that Clarice was indeed of the age of majority. Clarice happily complied and presented a drivers license to the waitress.
The ID that Clarice showed the server was Brianna’s stolen drivers license! This is what is commonly referred to as “Karma” or as I like to call it, “a swift kick in the nuts”.
Do Not Pass “Go”
One can only imagine what Brianna was thinking. But, she kept her cool and calmly took Clarice’s drink order then proceeded to call the local constabulary post haste.
Clarice was taken into police custody and charged with a bunch of shit that will keep her behind bars for a few years.
Thank you, Matt, for this heartwarming story of what goes around comes around. I can always count on you to deliver the goods, all in the name of Good Old Fashioned Dumbassery.
Now about that horse head….