Category: Arizona

Guy Loses $20K in Drug Cartel’s Cash, Asks Cops to Write Excuse Note!

John Wayne once said, “Life is hard. It’s even harder if you’re stupid.”

Who am I to argue with The Duke? Those nine words are some of the most powerful ever spoken, ranking right up there with “I have a dream”, “Four score and seven years ago” and “Where’s the beef?” That’s walkin’ in some high oratory cotton right there.

Today’s story is the perfect illustration of what Mr. Wayne said.

Trouble in Tucson 

Demarco Thomas must have a rough life. He is stoopid. Real stoopid.

Thomas was traveling through Tucson recently when he noticed that he’d misplaced some cash. Twenty thousand dollars worth of cash! Now what on Earth would a guy like Demarco Thomas be doing with 20 Large in cash? Do the words “alleged drug courier” mean anything to you?

Demarco Alonzo Thomas, Dumbass

So here’s an alleged drug courier who has somehow lost twenty. big. ones. Knowing this, I am able to deduce that not only has Demarco lost 20 Grand, he has lost someone else’s 20 Grand. And who, pray tell, could this someone else be? You got it! A Big Time Drug Dealer! I ain’t the smartest Dumbass in the room, but something deep inside me says that losing twenty thousand dollars that belong to a Big Time Drug Dealer is not a good thing. My understanding is that doing such a thing can lead to a sudden stoppage in breathing. 

Seeking Help

Demarco was also concerned about the repercussions of losing all that cash, so he immediately sought help. From the Police! 

But wait, this story is about to get a lot better. Better even than the Dumbasses whose car holding $425,000 worth of pot got hijacked

Fearing for his life, he called police to ask if an officer could write a note to the local cartel explaining that he lost $20,000 in drug money; he thought it might smooth things over if he could show cartel members a phony receipt from the local police stating they had seized the money, the Arizona Daily Star reported.

I can see it now:

Dear Bloodthirsty Big Time Drug Dealing Cartel Guy, 

Could you please excuse Demarco for losing $20,000 of your ill gotten gains. It was an honest mistake that could have happened to any drug courier. We know that this a lot of money, but it is a mere drop in the bucket compared to the millions of dollars you collect while peddling Death-in-a-Small- Baggie to poor schlubs everywhere.

In light of this fact, we politely ask that you not be too harsh on Demarco by cutting off his hands or resorting to some other barbaric punishment for his little boo boo. It is our firm belief that a very harshly worded scolding done in a very stern manner would be sufficient in helping Demarco realize that what he did was not very responsible. 

Thank you for your compassion in this matter.

Sincerely,
Tucson Police Department

In other words, Demarco Thomas is in deep doo doo. He’s either a Prison Bitch or a dead man.

I hope the Bloodthirsty Big Time Drug Dealing Cartel Guy opens up his heart to forgiveness regarding Demarco’s blunder.

$20,000 says he won’t.

Dumbass.

Man Shoots Self in His Weenie!

We may have found our Dumbass of the Year for 2011 in this story. We have discovered many oustanding dumbass over the first eight months of this year, but this guy is clearly head and shoulders above the rest. Let me splain.

Instant Vasectomy Instrument

Arizona is one of a select few, if not the only, state that has open carry of firearms for all its eligible citizens. Joshua Seto is one of those citizens. Not long ago Josh and his fiancee decided to go out for a nice supper but things did not go well. You see his fiancee, Cara, also carries a pistol. A pink pistol. Before entering the eating establishment, Josh thought it would be a good idea if he put her gun in the waistband of his pants. Things did not go as planned. As Josh was sliding the pistol into his waistband the the gun discharged hitting ole Josh right smack dab “there”. And by “there” I mean tallywhacker. Ouch! That hurts just thinking about it. Oh, yeah, Joshua was also shot in his left thigh. Forget the thigh. This young man just shot himself in his manhood! I hope he and Cara were not planning to have children. Maybe that’s a good thing as Josh is a major dumbass. A major dumbass without a ding a ling. You. Can’t. Make. This. Stuff. Up.

 A police spokesman said it was not clear if Josh had suffered any permanent damage because of the incident, but the Police Department did issue a statement urging gun owner to (I am not kidding here) to take gun safety classes! A suggested motto for the gun safety classes: “Don’t Be a Dickless Dumbass! Take the State Gun Safety Class!” There’s a rhyme there and everything. It’s a little late for good ole tallywahckerless Josh, but thousands of other Arizonans would be wise to heed this message. I hate to see any more men suffer the trauma that Josh has been through. A penisless life is no way to live. And Josh is only 27 years old, so it’s quite possible that he’ll live the next 50 years or so without the music of coitus coming from his skin flute. That’s really sad, especially if his fiancee is a nympho. Poor Joshua. But let’s look at the bright side of this tragedy. At least Josh still has gazebos…I think.

We can learn a few valuable lessons from this accident. 1) Do not carry a gun with a bullet in the chamber 2) Do not try to slip a loaded weapon into your waistband  3) I would hate it if I shot off my own One Eyed Willie. and 4) It’s a good thing that Josh wasn’t stuffing a .12 Gauge shotgun down his pants.
I wish Josh and Cara the beast and hope he recovers fully from his injuries, with or without a weenie.

Vampires Put the Bite to Roommate

Just One Little Sip?

There is evidently an upswing in vampirism in the United States. A bing search of the term “vampires in the usa” yielded an incredible 57,470,000 results, where “dumbasses in the usa” yielded only 287,000 results. Personally, having traveled this country from coast to coast and from Canada to Mexico, I feel like dumbasses have been short changed. I have met thoudsands of dumbasses, but not one vampire. It follows, according to my experience, that all vampires are dumbasses, but not all dumbasses are vampires. Today’s little excursion into dumbassery involves a dumbass, who is not a vampire, and two dumbass vampires.

Here’s the deal: This 25 year old guy, Robert Maley, has two roommates who are vampires. He knew this little tidbit of information when they all became roommates. As a matter of fact, Maley had, at least once, allowed his roomies to drink his blood! At this point, I think it’s safe to say that Maley is a dumbass. I have a saying that goes like this: “feed ’em and they come back”. Until now, I was referring to animals and people. If you leave food for a wild animal of any kind, squirrels, raccoons, birds, etc., then they will return to the place where the easy grub was. Same goes for vampires…give ’em just one teensy taste of your blood and they want more! Just ask Robert Maley. Recently when his dumbass vampire friends wanted to have another sip of his blood, he said “no”. Well…being the good dumbass vampires they are, Robert’s friends would not take “no” for an answer. So one them stabbed him for making fun of him (the dumbass friend) for being a vampire. I gotta admit that is one way to get blood from an unwilling party. That is also a felony! It ends up that Robert Maley was treated for his wounds and the two dumbass vampire friends were treated like felons, earning free room and board at the county lockup, with a stay at the State Pen not too far into the future.To top it all off, Maley was arrested for a probation violation, thus cementing his place in dumbassery.

All of this took place in Arizona, which is a great place to live…unless you are a dumbass vampire. Or a dumbass who knowingly lives with vampires, which has got to suck.  🙂

Dumbass Vampires!

There is evidently an upswing in vampirism in the United States. A bing search of the term “vampires in the usa” yielded an incredible 57,470,000 results, where “dumbasses in the usa” yielded only 287,000 results. Personally, having traveled this country from coast to coast and from Canada to Mexico, I feel like dumbasses have been short changed. I have met thoudsands of dumbasses, but not one vampire. It follows, according to my experience, that all vampires are dumbasses, but not all dumbasses are vampires. Today’s little excursion into dumbassery involves a dumbass, who is not a vampire, and two dumbass vampires.

Here’s the deal: This 25 year old guy, Robert Maley, has two roommates who are vampires. He knew this little tidbit of information when they all became roommates. As a matter of fact, Maley had, at least once, allowed his roomies to drink his blood! At this point, I think it’s safe to say that Maley is a dumbass. I have a saying that goes like this: “feed ’em and they come back”. Until now, I was referring to animals and people. If you leave food for a wild animal of any kind, squirrels, raccoons, birds, etc., then they will return to the place where the easy grub was. Same goes for vampires…give ’em just one teensy taste of your blood and they want more! Just ask Robert Maley. Recently when his dumbass vampire friends wanted to have another sip of his blood, he said “no”. Well…being the good dumbass vampires they are, Robert’s friends would not take “no” for an answer. So one them stabbed him for making fun of him (the dumbass friend) for being a vampire. I gotta admit that is one way to get blood from an unwilling party. That is also a felony! It ends up that Robert Maley was treated for his wounds and the two dumbass vampire friends were treated like felons, earning free room and board at the county lockup, with a stay at the State Pen not too far into the future.To top it all off, Maley was arrested for a probation violation, thus cementing his place in dumbassery.

All of this took place in Arizona, which is a great place to live…unless you are a dumbass vampire. Or a dumbass who knowingly lives with vampires, which has got to suck.  🙂