Category: Armed Robbery

Fail at Armed Robbery? Call Mom for a Ride Home!

Moms.

Other than Jesus, mothers are God’s greatest gift to humanity. No questions asked.

I am closing in on sixty years old and I am still my Mom’s Bouncin’ Baby Boy. At least her eyes I am. I don’t think there’s anything Mom wouldn’t do for me if I asked her to. At my age there’s not a helluva lot I ask my Mom for, but there are times when she can tell that I need “something” – moral support, an ear to bend, stuff like that. And she’s right, I do, at times, need her wisdom when life throws me a curveball. Moms are good like that.

I said earlier that there’s very little that Mom wouldn’t do for me. I can only think of three things off the top of my head that my Mom would disown me over. Those things are:

  • Leaving the Catholic Church.
  • Marrying a Liberal woman. 
  • Calling her for bail money. 

I have good news for Mom – I am still Catholic. I am married to Conservative woman. I don’t need bail money. Yet.

Zach

The same can not be said of Zachariah Dalton Howard.

What Zach Did

I don’t know if Zach is Catholic or married to a Liberal woman, but I do know that he’s a Dumbass.

You see, not long ago Zach walked into a Niceville, Florida convenience store to do more than buy a shitload of Snickers bars. He approached the cashier on duty, said he had a gun and wanted all the money in the register drawer. It turns out that Zach’s timing was as bad as his idea to commit a felony. Lo, the cash drawer was empty! Dejected that his crime was a waste of time, Zach calmly left the convenience store and headed straight for a pay phone. To call his Mother for a ride home!

Now, I am not a criminal, nor do I play one on TV, but I can say with an abundance of confidence that calling your Mother after a failed attempt at armed robbery violates some kind of Criminal Code of Conduct or something. Doesn’t it? If not, it should.

By the way, Zach told the cops after he was arrested that he had not planned to rob the c-store, he just happen to hatch the idea of becoming a laughingstock in the Criminal Underworld while he was on his way to the store to buy a shitload of Snickers bars!

Conclusions 

Upon further review, I have come to some conclusions about Zachary Dalton Howard.

  1. When on his way to a convenience store, Zach should think more about a shitload of Snickers bars than committing armed robbery.
  2. There are much better ways to become a criminal laughingstock than unlawfully demanding money from a local merchant. For example, on next next foray into Felonyland, Zach could lose almost a half a million dollars worth of pot in a car jacking.
  3. At least Zach didn’t lose $20,000 cash in Vicious Murdering Drug Cartel Guy money and ask the cops to write him an excuse letter to the Bad Guys.
  4. Zach should put down the crack pipe.
  5. Zach is doomed to marry a Liberal woman. Who else would be stoopid enough to make a life long commitment to this idjit.
  6. Mom ain’t happy with Zach.

Dumbass.
 

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